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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
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  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

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Beloved sleep
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remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
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this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
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home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

« now you see.. | Main | easter afternoon.. »

March 30, 2007


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Hey are you? The last time I was on here you sounded so sad and i was worried. it makes my heart ache to think that you're so sad. I hope that i can be one of the nice people that you meet on the internet and since we live a billion miles away from each other i think we don't have to worry about 3-d :) i know people can be so mean. and problems we share in common (si) never really engender much compassion and understanding. i'm having so much trouble with the cutting. my psych spends most of the time trying to convince me i need to go inpatient for a little while. god that scares me so much - that could be one to two weeks where i couldn't cut. i can't even make it one day. i've already worked out how i could sneak a razor in and not get caught. how sad is that? and the man in my head, sam, is so noisy. he scares me so much but at the same time i'm lonely without him. i'm scared ghost...and sad and right now i feel like i'm being electrocuted because i didn't take my meds on time and it's messing me up. you ever just feel so alone it hurts? there's like this black emptiness that just aches in me. i really like my psych but i'm afraid to really trust anyone. i might start seeing her twice a week if we can work something out with the insurance or whatever. i'm sorry to babble on so much. i really hope you're feeling better. you are such an amazing person. I mean you've raised a son. that is so hard and so cool. and you're a cat mommy to so many kitties. thank god for luna. i never knew i could fall in love with a kitty but i really do love that little kitty face of hers. i got so scared when they recalled the pet food (did that happen by you?) she's pretty happy because now i'm feeding her real meat like chicken and tuna and she is such a little carnivore. god it hurts so much...why can't i make this sadness go away. half the time i just take xanax or ativan so i can zone out or sleep and escape from it all. thank you so much for just letting me babble on here. and i so want good happy things for you too (it's the carebear in me). oh i found this new thing that i like to collect. ever see the littlest pet shop animals? they are kid toys but they are these really cute little tiny bobble head animals. i have a whole line of them on my cube wall at work. they have a little magnet in their feet so they stick perfect to my cube metal wall. well, i guess i should get to sleep. i really hope you're great and hope to hear from you soon. nite nite and kitty hugs - tracy


hey there!
good to hear from you.. but sorry to hear you're having a tough time.. i can relate with the dark empty alone kinda place.. i get it at night 'cause i really have a hard time sleeping.. just like this big dark insecurity that almost feels like i'm not really even here.. i know that sounds weird.. and other than kitties and a few online friends like you it just really does seem like a cold cruel world like every day.. i try to be friendly, but i just feel like such an ass.. i should just always remember to keep my guard up. i've gotten to where i don't cut until i really really feel like i have to.. and i can go for long periods.. but then it just ends up being the only thing i have.. i'm sorry you need to cut so often.. seems like i just have to keep myself occupied/busy/distracted.. anything.. or else..
the kitty food recall has scared me because our girls have eaten iams kibble like all their lives.. plus some of the wet food (a safe brand).. i honestly feel like if they were made sick that'd be it for me. i could never take it.. i am really only here for them.. maybe it's how i reconnect with my childhood and try to make up for all the kitties we had that died from neglect when i was a kid? if i failed again i couldn't bear it..
i have seen the little kitty bobble head pet shop sets.. (will i ever outgrow looking in the toy aisle?!;)
well, i have a busy weekend.. vinyl flooring installers and satellite dish installers.. oh joy!
speaking of carebears.. i have grumpy bear pajamas! i love them.. but once i saw the carebears movie on tv and tried to watch it.. oh my god. really bad.
well, hang in there..
and keep passing the open windows as they say..
p.s. the chickens make me feel happy for some reason!?
>> moved >> hencam


i had a weird dream last night.. i think it has to do with my childhood.
i tend to have bad dreams when i'm sleeping on my back and feel vulnerable for some reason.. ? since childhood.. anyway in the dream i was lying on my back as if i was asleep, but i was peeking at this woman (maybe my mother?) nearby that i heard saying something like she knew how to tell if i was really asleep or not? i closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep.. the woman is just a black silhouette.. she comes over and puts her hand on my throat like to choke me.. i don't remember what's next except that i started to have this physical symptom i've had at times in life before.. i get like this feeling like a muscle spasm in my sides & stomach that keeps causing me to clench up more into a ball.. it comes like with the shakey feeling i get that makes my teeth chatter even when if i'm not cold.. it comes in waves.. i've had it really bad at times of serious insecurity in my life for some reason.. i kept getting it in waves in my sleep all through the night.. it kept waking me up.
i've often described it as the opposite of my dissociation.. it tends to happen at times when i reconnect emotionally rather than disconnect? especially with the real serious stuff.. it's like being put in ice water..
no one has ever told me what the heck this is in all my years of therapy.. so i've had to just figure it out..
well, i'm getting new internet service so my email address will be different now.. fyi


hey ghost,

that is a serious dream. i kind of like the image of the woman as a sillohuette (can't spell). the shaking / stomach clenching feeling sounds really scary. is anything really stressful happening or emotional reconnection? i know i find emotions rather tiring. they can wear you down. i hope you're feeling okay now. i had a dream the other night that i was stabbed to death but before that i was able to upload new digital self to a friend. so somehow my body was killed but part of me had evolved into this other self. weird. i bought more littlest pets today. don't worry, i spend lots of time in the toy aisle myself. not much new by me except that i feel like hospitalization is imminent. even my parents are trying to get me somewhere. all i can think about is cutting. somehow i feel like i'm scared not to cut now, like even if i don't want to i have to do it. have you ever just been so afraid that you're going crazy? i talk to myself and sam all the time. he is so real sometimes. and i just never feel good enough. god forbid anyone knew what i was really like, all crazy and all. i feel like i'm putting on a constant show. how are the kitties?? i love looking at your pics of them. they are so beautiful. i hope you're having a nice week. it's cold here. i ate a piece of chocolate today. ewww, i feel so fat. oh well. not like anyone would ever want to date me anyway. i wrote a new poem. i think i'm going to stick it on my myspace page. if your bored maybe you could read it. let me know what you think. oh well...i'm off to battle my insomnia, that evil demon of the dark. good night and much kitty love - tracy


it's cold here too.. i get cold easily but i swear the other day i felt like i was going to lose my toes to frostbite.. in the house!
i'll come check the poem soon.. i'm in one of my famous migraines.. ug.
i know you are not fat!
and whaddya mean not good enough and all this about no one would date you? maybe you are crazy? ;)
if sam tells you these kinda things then kick him to the curb, chicklette!
you'll meet the right person probably when you least expect it.. when you're able to stop worrying so much about what other people think and just be yourself..
i'm sorry you face going into the hospital.. that would scare me too.. but if you have to, then ok.. try to keep yourself real safe in there and get whatever you can out of it.. hopefully it will be a good place? maybe it will help you get to a place where you can feel stable without so much si?
believe me there have been times i think i would've ended up inpatient, but i just couldn't let it happen because i felt such a strong need to be there for my son & kitties.. but i needed the break.. i just had to sort of arrange the kind of break i needed at home.. i guess being agoraphobic is really partly a way to keep safe?
well, whatever happens, you are in my prayers, ok?
keep in touch..
luv, ghost & kitties


tracy: i left comments for you on your myspace/poems ;)
i have a fairly recent one posted down in the jan 31 comments..

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  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
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    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
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    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
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