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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is he except a being without access to the universe that he has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots..
In limbo
rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts!
2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)


ghost toy catalogue

  • spookytown
    an inventory of toys & collectibles vintage & new including toxic's toys, toxic's library & halloweeniana..

    ~ copyright 2011 all rights reserved
Cherrytreemoon
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Scandalous
family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

a POEtry reading...

elliott smith & portland

Pdx
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

the library..

Thingsbehindthesun
things behind the sun (journals)
Razorblades
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
www.flickr.com
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Brenkitty
toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Enter
halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..


  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    NEW ELDER SCROLLS!!
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

March 2019

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« now you see.. | Main | easter afternoon.. »

March 30, 2007

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Tracy

Hey ghost...how are you? The last time I was on here you sounded so sad and i was worried. it makes my heart ache to think that you're so sad. I hope that i can be one of the nice people that you meet on the internet and since we live a billion miles away from each other i think we don't have to worry about 3-d :) i know people can be so mean. and problems we share in common (si) never really engender much compassion and understanding. i'm having so much trouble with the cutting. my psych spends most of the time trying to convince me i need to go inpatient for a little while. god that scares me so much - that could be one to two weeks where i couldn't cut. i can't even make it one day. i've already worked out how i could sneak a razor in and not get caught. how sad is that? and the man in my head, sam, is so noisy. he scares me so much but at the same time i'm lonely without him. i'm scared ghost...and sad and right now i feel like i'm being electrocuted because i didn't take my meds on time and it's messing me up. you ever just feel so alone it hurts? there's like this black emptiness that just aches in me. i really like my psych but i'm afraid to really trust anyone. i might start seeing her twice a week if we can work something out with the insurance or whatever. i'm sorry to babble on so much. i really hope you're feeling better. you are such an amazing person. I mean you've raised a son. that is so hard and so cool. and you're a cat mommy to so many kitties. thank god for luna. i never knew i could fall in love with a kitty but i really do love that little kitty face of hers. i got so scared when they recalled the pet food (did that happen by you?) she's pretty happy because now i'm feeding her real meat like chicken and tuna and she is such a little carnivore. god it hurts so much...why can't i make this sadness go away. half the time i just take xanax or ativan so i can zone out or sleep and escape from it all. thank you so much for just letting me babble on here. and i so want good happy things for you too (it's the carebear in me). oh i found this new thing that i like to collect. ever see the littlest pet shop animals? they are kid toys but they are these really cute little tiny bobble head animals. i have a whole line of them on my cube wall at work. they have a little magnet in their feet so they stick perfect to my cube metal wall. well, i guess i should get to sleep. i really hope you're great and hope to hear from you soon. nite nite and kitty hugs - tracy

ghost

hey there!
good to hear from you.. but sorry to hear you're having a tough time.. i can relate with the dark empty alone kinda place.. i get it at night 'cause i really have a hard time sleeping.. just like this big dark insecurity that almost feels like i'm not really even here.. i know that sounds weird.. and other than kitties and a few online friends like you it just really does seem like a cold cruel world like every day.. i try to be friendly, but i just feel like such an ass.. i should just always remember to keep my guard up. i've gotten to where i don't cut until i really really feel like i have to.. and i can go for long periods.. but then it just ends up being the only thing i have.. i'm sorry you need to cut so often.. seems like i just have to keep myself occupied/busy/distracted.. anything.. or else..
the kitty food recall has scared me because our girls have eaten iams kibble like all their lives.. plus some of the wet food (a safe brand).. i honestly feel like if they were made sick that'd be it for me. i could never take it.. i am really only here for them.. maybe it's how i reconnect with my childhood and try to make up for all the kitties we had that died from neglect when i was a kid? if i failed again i couldn't bear it..
i have seen the little kitty bobble head pet shop sets.. (will i ever outgrow looking in the toy aisle?!;)
well, i have a busy weekend.. vinyl flooring installers and satellite dish installers.. oh joy!
speaking of carebears.. i have grumpy bear pajamas! i love them.. but once i saw the carebears movie on tv and tried to watch it.. oh my god. really bad.
well, hang in there..
and keep passing the open windows as they say..
ghost
p.s. the chickens make me feel happy for some reason!?
>> moved >> hencam

ghost

i had a weird dream last night.. i think it has to do with my childhood.
i tend to have bad dreams when i'm sleeping on my back and feel vulnerable for some reason.. ? since childhood.. anyway in the dream i was lying on my back as if i was asleep, but i was peeking at this woman (maybe my mother?) nearby that i heard saying something like she knew how to tell if i was really asleep or not? i closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep.. the woman is just a black silhouette.. she comes over and puts her hand on my throat like to choke me.. i don't remember what's next except that i started to have this physical symptom i've had at times in life before.. i get like this feeling like a muscle spasm in my sides & stomach that keeps causing me to clench up more into a ball.. it comes like with the shakey feeling i get that makes my teeth chatter even when if i'm not cold.. it comes in waves.. i've had it really bad at times of serious insecurity in my life for some reason.. i kept getting it in waves in my sleep all through the night.. it kept waking me up.
i've often described it as the opposite of my dissociation.. it tends to happen at times when i reconnect emotionally rather than disconnect? especially with the real serious stuff.. it's like being put in ice water..
no one has ever told me what the heck this is in all my years of therapy.. so i've had to just figure it out..
well, i'm getting new internet service so my email address will be different now.. fyi
ghost

Tracy

hey ghost,

that is a serious dream. i kind of like the image of the woman as a sillohuette (can't spell). the shaking / stomach clenching feeling sounds really scary. is anything really stressful happening or emotional reconnection? i know i find emotions rather tiring. they can wear you down. i hope you're feeling okay now. i had a dream the other night that i was stabbed to death but before that i was able to upload new digital self to a friend. so somehow my body was killed but part of me had evolved into this other self. weird. i bought more littlest pets today. don't worry, i spend lots of time in the toy aisle myself. not much new by me except that i feel like hospitalization is imminent. even my parents are trying to get me somewhere. all i can think about is cutting. somehow i feel like i'm scared not to cut now, like even if i don't want to i have to do it. have you ever just been so afraid that you're going crazy? i talk to myself and sam all the time. he is so real sometimes. and i just never feel good enough. god forbid anyone knew what i was really like, all crazy and all. i feel like i'm putting on a constant show. how are the kitties?? i love looking at your pics of them. they are so beautiful. i hope you're having a nice week. it's cold here. i ate a piece of chocolate today. ewww, i feel so fat. oh well. not like anyone would ever want to date me anyway. i wrote a new poem. i think i'm going to stick it on my myspace page. if your bored maybe you could read it. let me know what you think. oh well...i'm off to battle my insomnia, that evil demon of the dark. good night and much kitty love - tracy

ghost

tracy..
it's cold here too.. i get cold easily but i swear the other day i felt like i was going to lose my toes to frostbite.. in the house!
i'll come check the poem soon.. i'm in one of my famous migraines.. ug.
hey!
i know you are not fat!
and whaddya mean not good enough and all this about no one would date you? maybe you are crazy? ;)
if sam tells you these kinda things then kick him to the curb, chicklette!
you'll meet the right person probably when you least expect it.. when you're able to stop worrying so much about what other people think and just be yourself..
i'm sorry you face going into the hospital.. that would scare me too.. but if you have to, then ok.. try to keep yourself real safe in there and get whatever you can out of it.. hopefully it will be a good place? maybe it will help you get to a place where you can feel stable without so much si?
believe me there have been times i think i would've ended up inpatient, but i just couldn't let it happen because i felt such a strong need to be there for my son & kitties.. but i needed the break.. i just had to sort of arrange the kind of break i needed at home.. i guess being agoraphobic is really partly a way to keep safe?
well, whatever happens, you are in my prayers, ok?
keep in touch..
luv, ghost & kitties

ghost

p.s.
tracy: i left comments for you on your myspace/poems ;)
i have a fairly recent one posted down in the jan 31 comments..
ghost

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lost & found toys

cat girl

  • xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

ulalume

  • by Edgar Allan Poe

    The skies they were ashen and sober;
    The leaves they were crisped and sere-
    The leaves they were withering and sere;
    It was night in the lonesome October
    Of my most immemorial year;
    It was hard by the dim lake of Auber,
    In the misty mid region of Weir-
    It was down by the dank tarn of Auber,
    In the ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir.

    Here once, through an alley Titanic,
    Of cypress, I roamed with my Soul-
    Of cypress, with Psyche, my Soul.
    These were days when my heart was volcanic
    As the scoriac rivers that roll-
    As the lavas that restlessly roll
    Their sulphurous currents down Yaanek
    In the ultimate climes of the pole-
    That groan as they roll down Mount Yaanek
    In the realms of the boreal pole.

    Our talk had been serious and sober,
    But our thoughts they were palsied and sere-
    Our memories were treacherous and sere-
    For we knew not the month was October,
    And we marked not the night of the year-
    (Ah, night of all nights in the year!)
    We noted not the dim lake of Auber-
    (Though once we had journeyed down here),
    Remembered not the dank tarn of Auber,
    Nor the ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir.

    And now, as the night was senescent,
    And star-dials pointed to morn-
    As the star-dials hinted of morn-
    At the end of our path a liquescent
    And nebulous lustre was born,
    Out of which a miraculous crescent
    Arose with a duplicate horn-
    Astarte's bediamonded crescent
    Distinct with its duplicate horn.

    And I said–"She is warmer than Dian:
    She rolls through an ether of sighs-
    She revels in a region of sighs:
    She has seen that the tears are not dry on
    These cheeks, where the worm never dies,
    And has come past the stars of the Lion,
    To point us the path to the skies-
    To the Lethean peace of the skies-
    Come up, in despite of the Lion,
    To shine on us with her bright eyes-
    Come up through the lair of the Lion,
    With love in her luminous eyes."

    But Psyche, uplifting her finger,
    Said–"Sadly this star I mistrust-
    Her pallor I strangely mistrust:-
    Oh, hasten!–oh, let us not linger!
    Oh, fly!–let us fly!–for we must."
    In terror she spoke, letting sink her
    Wings until they trailed in the dust-
    In agony sobbed, letting sink her
    Plumes till they trailed in the dust-
    Till they sorrowfully trailed in the dust.

    I replied–"This is nothing but dreaming:
    Let us on by this tremulous light!
    Let us bathe in this crystalline light!
    Its Sybilic splendor is beaming
    With Hope and in Beauty to-night:-
    See!–it flickers up the sky through the night!
    Ah, we safely may trust to its gleaming,
    And be sure it will lead us aright-
    We safely may trust to a gleaming
    That cannot but guide us aright,
    Since it flickers up to Heaven through the night."

    Thus I pacified Psyche and kissed her,
    And tempted her out of her gloom-
    And conquered her scruples and gloom;
    And we passed to the end of the vista,
    But were stopped by the door of a tomb-
    By the door of a legended tomb;
    And I said–"What is written, sweet sister,
    On the door of this legended tomb?"
    She replied–"Ulalume–Ulalume-
    'Tis the vault of thy lost Ulalume!"

    Then my heart it grew ashen and sober
    As the leaves that were crisped and sere-
    As the leaves that were withering and sere-
    And I cried–"It was surely October
    On this very night of last year
    That I journeyed–I journeyed down here-
    That I brought a dread burden down here-
    On this night of all nights in the year,
    Ah, what demon has tempted me here?
    Well I know, now, this dim lake of Auber-
    This misty mid region of Weir-
    Well I know, now, this dank tarn of Auber,
    This ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir."

    Said we then, the two then,
    "Ah, can it have been
    That the woodlandish ghouls,
    The pitiful, the merciful ghouls,
    To bar up our way and to ban it
    From the secret that lies in these wolds,
    From the thing that lies hidden in these wolds,
    Have drawn up the spectre of a planet
    From the limbo of lunary souls,
    This sinfully scintillant planet
    From the Hell of the planetary souls..."

little friends..

Danradpic
back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

friendlyghost fun & games!!

ghost movie picks..

  • not necessarily in this order:
    1 Dead Man
    2 Notorious
    3 Bringing Up Baby
    4 It’s a Wonderful Life
    5 A.I.
    6 Pink Floyd/The Wall
    7 The City of Lost Children
    8 Orphans (Matthew Modine)
    9 The Effect of Gamma Rays on 
    Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds
    10 The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
    11 The Curse of the Cat People
    12 Pirates of the Caribbean 1, 2 & 3 
    13 Jan Svankmejer’s Alice
    14 Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
    15 Sybil
    16 Edward Scissorhands
    17 The Nightmare Before Christmas
    18 A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
    19 An Angel at My Table
    20 Rear Window
    21 The Wizard of Oz
    22 Oliver!
    23 King Kong (original)
    24 Navigator: A Medieval Odyssey
    25 Titus
    26 The Swimmer
    27 Monty Python & the Holy Grail
    28 Sergeant York
    29 A Streetcar Named Desire
    30 The Little Princess  (original)
    31 Immortal Beloved
    32 Life & Death
    33 The Little Fugitive
    34 Willy Wonka (both)
    35 Endless Summer
    36 Dead Poets Society
    37 Silence of the Lambs
    38 Instinct
    39 Sleepy Hollow
    40 Pollock
    41 Days of Wine & Roses
    42 Something Wicked This Way 
    Comes
    43 James & the Giant Peach
    44 Lemony Snickett’s Series of 
    Unfortunate Events 
    45 The Shining (original)
    46 Harold & Maude
    47 Psycho
    48 The Road to Utopia (& others!)
    49 Monkey Business (Cary Grant)
    50 North By Northwest
    51 Spider Baby
    52 Golden Earrings
    53 The Miracle Worker
    54 The Neverending Story
    55 A Clockwork Orange
    56 Clash of the Titans
    57 The Outsiders
    58 Benny &Joon
    59 The Whisperers
    60 Angela’s Ashes
    61 Willow
    62 Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein
    63 Polyester
    64 Scrooged
    65 Groundhog Day
    66 PeeWee’s Big Adventure
    67 The African Queen
    68 Victor/Victoria
    69 The Others
    70 From Hell
    71 Dreamchild
    72 The Paleface
    73 Another Woman
    74 Warlock
    75 Fanny & Alexander
    76 One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
    77 Duel
    78 A Girl Named Sooner
    79 A Christmas Story
    80 Return to Oz
    81 Harry Potter (movies)
    82 Van Helsing 
    83 Don’t Look in the Basement
    84 Toy Story
    85 The Court Jester
    86 Murder, He Says
    87 Indiscreet
    88 Creepshow
    89 Mr Smith Goes to Washington
    90 Harvey
    91 Brainstorm
    92 Ed Wood
    93 Defending Your Life
    94 The Bells of St. Mary’s
    95 Going My Way
    96 This Property is Condemned
    97 Rebel Without a Cause
    98 Labyrinth
    99 Jabberwocky
    100 Cheech & Chong’s Nice Dreams
    101 Gone With the Wind
    102 6th Sense
    103 To Kill a Mockingbird
    104 Troll
    105 Small Soldiers
    106 Jumanji
    107 Mrs. Doubtfire
    108 Gaslight
    109 Take the Money and Run
    110 The Old Man and the Sea
    111 Hocus Pocus
    112 Witches
    113 Casablanca
    114 What About Bob
    115 The Godfather
    116 The Deer Hunter
    117 Raiders of the Lost Ark
    118 Greystoke: Legend of Tarzan
    119 Monty Python’s Meaning of Life 
    120 Eraserhead
    121 Arsenic & Old Lace
    122 Motel Hell
    123 Dial M for Murder
    124 The Other
    125 The Chronicles of Narnia
    126 Napoleon Dynamite
    127 SOB
    128 The Secret Garden
    129 Apocalypse Now
    130 Hide & Seek
    131 Eternal Sunshine Spotless Mind
    132 The Abandoned
    133 Pan's Labyrinth
    134 Kafka
    135 One Hour Photo
    136 Jack the Bear
    137 Fur: Diane Arbus
    138 Unforgiven
    139 Dances With Wolves
    140 Alice in Wonderland 2010
    141 True Grit (2010)
    142 The Wolfman (original & new)
    143 Universal Monsters (originals)
    144 The Road
    145 The Woman in Black
    146 Don't Be Afraid of the Dark
    147 Dark Shadows
    148 The Yellow Wallpaper
    149 Paranorman
    150 The Hobbit (all)
    151 Frankenweenie
    152 Oz the Great & Powerful
    153 The Raven 2012
    154 Snow White & the Huntsman
    155 The Elephant Man
    156 Hugo
    157 Rabbit-Proof Fence
    158 Mama
    159 My Side of the Mountain 1969
    160 Maleficent
    161 God Bless Ozzy (bio)
    162 The Book Thief
    163 Wakefield
    Gumby Adventures (original & new)
    The Twilight Zone episodes (original)
    The Outer Limits (original)
    The Night Gallery
    Davey & Goliath
    Mr Rogers Neighborhood
    Sesame Street (pre elmo!)
    Little House on the Prairie
    Monty Python’s Flying Circus
    Mystery Science Theater 3000
    Good Neighbors
    SCTV
    The Rockford Files
    Fawlty Towers
    Ripping Yarns
    Metamorphosis (play) 
    The Glass Menegerie(play)
    Death of a Salesman(play)
    Absurd Person Singular(play)
    Koyaanisquatsi
    I, Claudius (miniseries)
    The Chronicles of Narnia (miniseries)
    Merlin (miniseries)
    The Snowman (animated)
    The Selfish Giant (animated)
    Prokofiev's Peter & the Wolf 2006
    Secret of Kells (animated)
    Yellow Submarine (animated)
    Watership Down (animated)
    Peter Rabbit & Friends (animated)
    Frog & Toad (animated)
    Dr Seuss (animated shows)
    Kroft shows (Land of the Lost, etc…)
    Peanuts (animated shows)
    Felix the Cat (animated cartoons)
    The Oblongs (animated)
    The Addams Family (original series)
    The Munsters (original series)
    The Phantom Creeps (serial)
    Bill & Coo (live bird show)
    The Sopranos (series)
    Biggest Loser (series)
    All Rankin/Bass shows (Mad Monster
    Party, Daydreamer etc)
    Little Rascals/Our Gang comedies 
    Deadwood (series)
    Secrets of the Dead (series)
    Mantracker (series)
    Dual Survival (original series)
    Estate of Panic (series)
    Criminal Minds (series)
    Two Fat Ladies (series)
    History Detectives (series)
    Oregon Field Guide (series)
    Once Upon a Time (both series)
    Oddities (series)
    Odd Folks Home (series)
    The Incredible Dr Pol (series)
    Colbert Report (series)
    Bates Motel (series)
    Hannibal (series)
    Longmire (series)
    Treehouse Masters (series)
    The Blacklist (series)
    Life Below Zero (series)
    Sleepy Hollow (series)
    Dracula (series)
    Portlandia (series)
    The Walking Dead (series)
    Breaking Bad (series)
    Alaska: the Last Frontier (series)
    American Horror Story (series)
    Salem (series)
    Penny Dreadful (series)
    Chronicles of Lizzie Borden (series)
    Grimm (series)
    Fear of the Walking Dead (series)
    The Killing (series)
    The Fall (series)

ghostfilms

Ghost
lost hollow digital art album ~
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

haunts

  • lunacy..
    CURRENT MOON
  • the happy haunts have received your sympathetic vibrations...