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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is he/she except a being without access to the universe that he has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
In limbo
rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts!
2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
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family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
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a POEtry reading...

elliott smith & portland

portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
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the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
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toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
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halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

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« i hate the sparkleys.. | Main | be ready.. »

February 22, 2007


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my bite is much worse than my bark


Isn't today the 22nd? So that is today then. Well, I can't make out the picture but It looks bad as hell. I saw what you wrote at the other site. I know you are going down. I wonder how much of that is because I'm never around and you need someone to talk to? What is that a picture of? What am I looking at? How have your hurt yourself? That one looks deep ghost. You are really fucking around today. You forget that I have AD. You don't expect me to ever melt down. Fine. Your melt down trumps mine. Talk to me. Come back here and talk to me. I am your friend. Like fucking cell mates. We are friends.


I'm sorry ghost. I was out of line. I just felt so bad too and acted like an aaasssshhoolllee. I hope you are ok and my crap has not made you feel worse.


hey china doll..
thanks for the flowers..


Hey Ghost...I'm leaving this as a comment bc I am too dumb to figure out if I can send you a message on this page. How are you?? I really hope that you're doing good. I don't know much about attachment disorder but it's cool that you know what you're fighting. I really hope that si isn't in your life anymore. It's still in mine, in various ways, but not much I can do there I guess. Right now I'm just trying to get used to the various cocktail of meds that I take each day. Sometimes I get brilliant ideas and decide not to take them. At least they keep the man in my head far away, though I do miss him sometimes. What have you been up to?? Any new art or fun gumby toys? I bought a cool Jack Skellington (sp?) and he hangs out in my room. i've got a new therapist who i seem to like though I'm sure she'll get sick of me. Not much else new for me. I really really hope your good and that I hear from you soon. If there's a better way to message you let me know - I'm a total spaz. Well, I'm off to the land of xanax and dreams...much luv, Tracy


hey! this is indeed the right place as this is my real haunt nowadays.. i'm afraid i only set up a myspace as a placeholder to talk to my myspace friends.. sorry i haven't been over to see what you're up to in a bit.. i've been working on big gumby business.. some guy in ny wants every new episode and it seems i'm the only one who has them.. it's taking me forever to make dvds for this guy but he offers $$$!
yeah, i'm still up to the si stuff.. but i'm just not in the bad self-destructive place i was back when we used to hang out at safehaven.. sober. now that my heart's not good.. (although it's gotten better since i gained back 'healthy' weight.. ug.)oh well.. i am 40 now.. gotta grow up and be old? but they say 40 is the new 20..
be careful with the meds.. and with the therapist too.. i'm getting really mistrustful of the so-called pros.. (like that's something new?)
as leery as i am about meds now, i still remember how completely blissed out and gone i was at times in my xanax/clonopin years.. like all was right with the whole wide world.. my head was stuck in a rainbow half the time and my brain felt like melting orange sherbet, in between crashing into long periods of unconsciousness of course..
as far as art.. the thing i'm into right now is my design above for the 'sweet addy' elliott smith fan forum t-shirt.. hope it gets picked.. it seems i'm the one to beat.. that would make me very happy.
each charm is a significant metaphor or symbol from mr smith's lyrics.. right down to the little ghost..
(which is my way of signing the piece..)
hey, kiss luna for me!
be a good carebear to yourself..
and come around anytime..


Hey good to hear from you. I figured i'd say hi. i'm feeling pretty bad right now. i can't stop thinking about si and really hurting myself. it's not like i'd want to off myself, just hurt really bad. i feel so nervous and all the meds give me the shakes and it just takes more and more xanax to make it through the day. i'm sorry to be so down. it's awesome that you can make some $ on the gumby stuff. very cool. i haven't done much art lately though i did write a new poem. i love the pictures of your kitties - they make me smile. my kitty is curled up in front of the fire place, baking in the heat. i love her so much. god, i feel so nervous. like right before a big test when you have that huge pit right in your stomach. and oh the weight issue. i can def sympathize with you. i'm trying to eat healthier bc i passed out and i do hate myself with each bite. is it cold in oregon? it's quite chilly in ny. i bet it's pretty out there in the winter. ok, this is long. i'm sorry to ramble. take care of yourself lots....i love your page btw...Tracy (i am a machine, no longer living, just a shell of what I dream - 30 seconds to mars)


hey tracy..
don't worry about long posts.. i post some reeeaaaalllly long ones here sometimes.. and when space runs low i just add a new thread and start the comments
i can relate about the si thoughts.. it has only been like a week since i cut.. and i tried to keep it under control.. but it calmed me for like into the next day.. maybe 'cause i don't do it as often anymore?
and the food..
i can relate with the fainting.. that's why i had to change my ways too..
i ended up taking more and more xanax myself.. and i have to tell you i did my worst si while on it.. we moved out of that apartment and i swear when i went to clean it there was blood spattered everywhere in places i had no idea... oh god!
maybe you ought to be on a different tranquilizer? the klonopin was definitely better, but has bad withdrawl if you go off suddenly (insomnia..)
you could ask your therapist/dr?
my kitties are sunbathing since we've had some sun after like 25 days of rain straight.. that's portland..
rain rain rain rain & rain.
write to me anytime you want or need to, ok?
be careful too 'cause there's alot of triggering si/suicide/alcohol/ed art linked to my blog..
love to hear the new poem!

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lost & found toys

visit my around the bend album (sound up) photos by ghost 2019 all rights reserved

cat girl

  • xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
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friendlyghost fun & games!!


lost hollow digital art album ~
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  • lunacy..
  • the happy haunts have received your sympathetic vibrations...

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