snowball in hell

sunshine & below freezing..

i took this picture of some interesting tree branches downtown at twilight while out looking at elliott smith landmarks around portland.. (see the 'i love portland' album left).. he came out for this one i think..
can you see the little ghost on the left?

daily smith/half right
well.. you shouldn't doctor yourself
well.. i pictured somebody else
someone who looks like
what i look like..
would you say that the one of your dreams
got in you and ripped out the seams?
that's what i'd say..
that's what i'd say..
he was a sucker for your double dose
motherfucker turned white as a ghost
don't you say hi
don't you say hi
with a broken sink for a face
and a head that just takes up space
he's not half right
he's not half right
it's all that he half has
and it won't last..
i was sticking up for a friend
well.. there's nothing much to defend
it's a lost fight
it's a lost fight
'cause when i talk to you on the phone
well.. it's just like being alone
it's not half right..
it's not half right..

going nowhere

he waved hello silent like a mime
meaning there's no changing my mind
i won't walk the stairs with you tonight
going nowhere
the clock moved a quarter of a turn
the time it took her cigarette to burn
she said you got a lot of things to learn
going nowhere
i saw you move a certain way
missed you a lot
returned to this abandoned place
that shoulda been forgot
echoes drown a conversation out
echoes that only seem to bring about
a silent expression
easily read aloud
going nowhere
the steps made a pattern
i'd never seen
i felt like a kid of six or seventeen
i was off in some empty daydream
going nowhere
it's dead and gone and matter of fact
it may be for the best
you said some things you can't take back
honestly.. i guess
the old records
are sitting on the floor
the ones i can't put on anymore
you walked over to her like before
going nowhere
going nowhere
going nowhere

ghost & toxic
p.s. toxic has her own little world now<<<

i'm just thinking about the snow..

everything is white .. the sky..
and we're completely snowed in..
i've been thinking of lines from my favorite story..
'silent snow, secret snow' by conrad aiken
when i first saw this short story narrated by orson welles decades ago on an episode of the night gallery i felt like someone had found my own long lost secret childhood world..
i'd come to think of it as childhood suicidality and dissociation..
i love the winter.
the cold is a bit scary, but i love how it takes me in and holds me tight
and won't let me go..

paul: "i'd like to go to the north pole.."
mother: " the north pole? why the north pole?"

how was one to explain? would it be safe to explain? or would it merely mean that he would get in some obscure kind of trouble? and how could he explain his new world? it's beauty was beyond anything.. beyond speech.. beyond thought.. it was utterly incommunicable.. it was irresistable.. it was miraculous..

mother: "paul.. if this goes on we have to see the doctor.."

no, it must be kept secret.. that more and more became clear.. at whatever cost to himself, whatever pain to others.
..after supper the inquisition began..
how silly this all was.. as if it had anything to do with his throat or his heart or eyes..

doctor: "we could have his eyes looked into.."
(this was all such a nuisance.. it would serve them right if he were merely to bark or growl..)
doctor: "i'm not a shrink.. i really don't know.. some things just happen."

even here.. even among these hostile presences the snow was waiting.. out of sight with a voice that said 'wait, paul.. just wait till we're alone together.. i will tell you something new.. something cold.. something sleepy.. something of cease and peace and the long bright curve of space.. banish them, refuse to speak! go upstairs to your room.. i will be waiting for you.. i will tell you a story better than the snowghost.. i will surround your bed and pile a deep drift against the door so that none will ever again be able to enter..'

doctor: "is there any particular thing that might be worrying you, my boy?"

'speak to them'

paul: "no.. i dont' think so.."
father: "paul, you're making this very difficult for your mother, now what is this all about?"
paul: "i'm just thinking.."
doctor: "about what, my boy?"
paul: "about the snow.."
mother: "what snow?"
paul: "just snow.. i like to think about it.. you know what snow is..  can i please go to bed?"
father: "no! we're going into this now!"

'hurry paul, hurry.. these last few precious hours..'

paul: "NO!"

(paul runs up to his room, closes the door and goes to his bed..)
'listen to us, paul.. listen.. we have come to tell you the story we told you about, remember? in this white darkness.. we will take the place of everything.. '

mother: "paul.. paul, dear.. paul"
paul: "mother go away!"
mother: "paul, please!"
paul: "i hate you."

and with that final effort everything was solved.. the seamless hiss advanced once more..
'listen' it said..
'we'll tell you the last most beautiful and secret story.. a story that gets smaller and smaller..
that comes inward instead of opening like a flower.. it is a flower that becomes a seed..
a little cold seed.. do you hear? 
we are leaning closer to you..'
ghost

it was then that the delicious progress became clear..

silent snow, secret snow...

lost & found..

below freezing & snowed in.. more snow for the weekend.. i love it though..
comet mcnaught is visible flying over mt. hood early in the a.m.s and the beaches look unbelievable here covered in snow..
today is our 20th wedding anniversary.. bdhp & me.. crazy, huh? we exchanged gifts and have a cozy weekend planned.. at least we've always known we'd never abandon each other.. that's big.. and we still love each other even after all the insanity.. answered prayer in the nick of time with my throat problem.. praying for little pac-man style antibodies to attack it musta worked.. it's disappearing after 2 months of worry just before my appt. for biopsy where they would've knocked me out.. talk about going back to therapy again.. isolation is turning me into saladfingers..
but no therapist is gonna help me as i endeavor to adjust to life without other humans..

smith for today: in the lost & found
he held his breath to hold your hand
to walk the stairsteps in pairs
climbing up a slippery slope
i'm in love, well i hope
don't go home, angelina
stay with me..
hanging around in the lost & found
kissed you quick feeling weird
lonely leaved and disappeared
this is such a simple place
passing time can't erase
don't go home, angelina
paint tomorrow blue
day breaks and every morning when he wakes
he thinks of you
i'm alone, that's okay, i don't mind
most of the time
i don't feel afraid to die
she was here passing by
don't go home, angelina
stay with me..
hanging around in the lost & found
stay with me..
hanging around in the lost & found..

nobody loves me..

have you ever seen the classic rejected... cartoons?
(you might want to pause the mp3 player before you try to view this or the sound conflicts..)

'i'm the queen of france!'

it is still raining..
and i have another bloody nose..
now there's a 'comics' link!!!>>> that way..
plus i added an old dutch tv clip of elliott smith down & left above his picture..
just click where it says
'elliott smith made delicious blueberry muffins' so that you will be deprived no longer..

if you quite like 'rejected' you might just like my little friend saladfingers..
like me, he spends much of his time alone with his own mind.. and he enjoys spoons and also most especially rust..
my favorite episodes are:
#2 / friends & #5 / picnic..
wash those bad thoughts away..
pleasant dreams..
ghost

p.s. i like it when the red water comes out...
... the red water .. ..

2007..

white & nerdy..

they see me mowin'my front lawn
i know they're all thinkin'
i'm so white & nerdy
think i'm just too white & nerdy
think i'm just too white & nerdy
can't ya see i'm white & nerdy?
look at me, i'm white & nerdy
i wanna roll with... the gangstas
but so far they all think
i'm too white and nerdy
think i'm just too white & nerdy
think i'm just too white & nerdy
i'm just too white & nerdy
really, really white & nerdy
first in my class there at MIT
got skills, i'm a champion at D&D
mc escher, that's my favorite MC
keep your 40
i'll just have an earl grey tea
my rims never spin - to the contrary
you'll find that they're quite stationary
all of my action figures are cherry
stephen hawking's in my library
my myspace page is all totally pimped out
got people beggin' for my top 8 spaces
yo, i know pi to a thousand places
ain't got no grills
but I still wear braces
i order all of my sandwiches with mayonnaise
i'm a whiz at minesweeper
i could play for days
once you see my sweet moves
you're gonna stay amazed
my fingers movin' so fast
i'll set the place ablaze
there's no killer app i haven't run
at pascal, well, i'm number one
do vector calculus just for fun
i ain't got a gat
but i got a soldering gun
"happy days" is my favorite theme song
i could sure kick your butt
in a game of ping pong
i'll ace any trivia quiz you bring on
i'm fluent in javascript
as well as klingon
here's the part i sing on...
they see me roll on my segway
i know in my heart
they think i'm white & nerdy
think i'm just too white & nerdy
think i'm just too white & nerdy
can't ya see i'm white & nerdy?
look at me, i'm white & nerdy
i'd like to roll with the gangstas
although it's apparent
i'm too white and nerdy
think i'm just too white & nerdy
think i'm just too white & nerdy
i'm just too white & nerdy
how'd i get so white & nerdy?
i've been browsin', inspectin'
x-men comics, you know i collect 'em
the pens in my pocket, i must protect 'em
my ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored
shoppin' online for deals on some writable media
i edit wikipedia
i memorized "holy grail" really well
i can recite it right now and have you rotflol
i got a business doin' web sites
when my friends need some code
who do they call?
i do html for 'em all
even made a home page for my dog
yo, i got myself a fanny pack
they were havin' a sale down at the gap
spend my nights with a roll of bubble wrap
pop pop, hope no one sees me...
gettin' freaky
i'm nerdy in the extreme
and whiter than sour cream
i was in a/v club and glee club
and even the chess team
only question i ever thought was hard
was, do i like kirk or do i like picard?
spend every weekend at the renaissance faire
got my name on my underwear
they see me strollin'... they laughin'
and rollin' their eyes
'cause i'm so white & nerdy
just because i'm white & nerdy
just because i'm white & nerdy
all because i'm white & nerdy
holy cow, i'm white & nerdy
i wanna bowl with... the gangstas
but oh well, it's obvious
i'm white and nerdy
think i'm just too white & nerdy
think i'm just too white & nerdy
i'm just too white & nerdy
look a' me, i'm white & nerdy..

oh yeah...
ghost