i'm just thinking about the snow..

everything is white .. the sky..
and we're completely snowed in..
i've been thinking of lines from my favorite story..
'silent snow, secret snow' by conrad aiken
when i first saw this short story narrated by orson welles decades ago on an episode of the night gallery i felt like someone had found my own long lost secret childhood world..
i'd come to think of it as childhood suicidality and dissociation..
i love the winter.
the cold is a bit scary, but i love how it takes me in and holds me tight
and won't let me go..

paul: "i'd like to go to the north pole.."
mother: " the north pole? why the north pole?"

how was one to explain? would it be safe to explain? or would it merely mean that he would get in some obscure kind of trouble? and how could he explain his new world? it's beauty was beyond anything.. beyond speech.. beyond thought.. it was utterly incommunicable.. it was irresistable.. it was miraculous..

mother: "paul.. if this goes on we have to see the doctor.."

no, it must be kept secret.. that more and more became clear.. at whatever cost to himself, whatever pain to others.
..after supper the inquisition began..
how silly this all was.. as if it had anything to do with his throat or his heart or eyes..

doctor: "we could have his eyes looked into.."
(this was all such a nuisance.. it would serve them right if he were merely to bark or growl..)
doctor: "i'm not a shrink.. i really don't know.. some things just happen."

even here.. even among these hostile presences the snow was waiting.. out of sight with a voice that said 'wait, paul.. just wait till we're alone together.. i will tell you something new.. something cold.. something sleepy.. something of cease and peace and the long bright curve of space.. banish them, refuse to speak! go upstairs to your room.. i will be waiting for you.. i will tell you a story better than the snowghost.. i will surround your bed and pile a deep drift against the door so that none will ever again be able to enter..'

doctor: "is there any particular thing that might be worrying you, my boy?"

'speak to them'

paul: "no.. i dont' think so.."
father: "paul, you're making this very difficult for your mother, now what is this all about?"
paul: "i'm just thinking.."
doctor: "about what, my boy?"
paul: "about the snow.."
mother: "what snow?"
paul: "just snow.. i like to think about it.. you know what snow is..  can i please go to bed?"
father: "no! we're going into this now!"

'hurry paul, hurry.. these last few precious hours..'

paul: "NO!"

(paul runs up to his room, closes the door and goes to his bed..)
'listen to us, paul.. listen.. we have come to tell you the story we told you about, remember? in this white darkness.. we will take the place of everything.. '

mother: "paul.. paul, dear.. paul"
paul: "mother go away!"
mother: "paul, please!"
paul: "i hate you."

and with that final effort everything was solved.. the seamless hiss advanced once more..
'listen' it said..
'we'll tell you the last most beautiful and secret story.. a story that gets smaller and smaller..
that comes inward instead of opening like a flower.. it is a flower that becomes a seed..
a little cold seed.. do you hear? 
we are leaning closer to you..'
ghost

it was then that the delicious progress became clear..

silent snow, secret snow...

Comments

[ghost]

i got a letter from my mom in the mail today..

[emma]

Holy cow! Did you read it?

Is everything alright?!?

[ghost]

yeah.. my sister has been kicked out of yet another board & care facility in LA.. what else is new..

hey! we had a fucking blizzard today man!! kinda scary neat, you know?

[ghost]

oh.. guess what? linda, the long lost person who runs adsg/adultrad wants to use my art as part of a big redo of that site to help parents of ad kids or something.. she posted about it in the creativity thread there..
i said yeah..
but i pm'd instead of posting there...
speaking of ad kids.. toxic's favorite story is excerpted and linked now to the above post..
i always thought of it as childhood suicidality, dissociation, even catatonia.. but reading different analyses of that story lead you to think of it as onset of schizophrenia.. scary 'cause i think i could've turned out just like my sister.. but somehow i didn't..
i think kitties saved me.. even then..

[bigdaddyhamburgerpatty]

Just a shout-out to my very own personal ghost on our 20 years + 4 days together. Just stopped by!I love your really cool blog and... I love you!
BDHP

[ghost]

happy 20 + 5 = love!! xoxo

[ghost]

stupid drawpad's f'ing up again! hubert cumberdale.. where've you gotten to?!

[ghost]

stupid stupid stupid!!!
drawpad ate hubert cumberdale..
my fantomas mix is a migraine in a box.. had it on too loud now i feel like i need to puke.. like i've been through some kind of high velocity EMDR..
&(&&*&^%#*%^^()&_++>.>>>/_(@#$%^&*()$%^&*()(*&^%$#@#$%^&*(#$%^&*()O<>?M<>

[ghost]

well i had some anxiety troubles at the show today.. it was crowded and made me feel kinda sick and panicky for the first half hour or so.. feeling like i might just throw up .. just from claustrophobia and the smell of show hotdogs and food and people toooo close.. but i soon was lost in the film.. (i wear sabbath's blackberry lotion on my hands, arms, neck.. even my hair.. i love that stuff.. so i sit with my hand in front of my face/nose to calm myself.. it smells really good..)
hey! everybody go out and see 'pan's labyrinth'..
it's an adult gothic fairytale not for the faint of heart.. violent, bloody and beautiful.. be ready for subtitles unless you're spanish is pretty good.. well worth it!
yo conozco solamente un poco de espanol pero no esta necessaridad..
afterwards i won a free replay on lord of the rings pinball which is really cool..
p.s.
el cielo se esta cayendo!!
fantoma

[ghost]

update:
drawing pad is out of order

fantomas ate my brain.. it's OUT.

moby/porcelain (aaaaahhh..)
in my dreams i'm dying all the time..
then i wake it's kaleidoscopic mind..
i never meant to hurt you..
i never meant to lie..
so this is goodbye..
this is goodbye.
(tell the truth you never wanted me.. tell me..)
in my dreams i'm jealous all the time..
then i wake up going out of my mind..
going out of my mind.
ghost

[emma]

Hi,
What's up? Miss you.
em

[emma]

I see hubert cumberland is back. But you are not. You never did mention what was in that letter.
Hugs.
em

[emma]

dale. I meant cumberdale. Sigh. How embarassing, my slip is showing.

[ghost]

hi em..
i gotta at least go peek and say hi at the board.. it's been a bad time.. but today bdhp and i had to speak.. weekends are too hard when i am mute or in hibernation.. so he drove me all around portland and we took snaps of elliott smith landmarks so i could put up the new album (up/left)..
that helped me..
i think his ghost came out for me.. i was shooting tree branches at twilight and there this wispy figure appeared on the pic..

p.s. i'm so happy the drawpad came back on...