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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is he except a being without access to the universe that he has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots..
In limbo
rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts!
2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

ghost toy catalogue

  • spookytown
    an inventory of toys & collectibles vintage & new including toxic's toys, toxic's library & halloweeniana..

    ~ copyright 2011 all rights reserved
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

a POEtry reading...

elliott smith & portland

portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved
halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

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« earsplitter | Main | thought i saw angels.. but i could've been wrong.. »

November 12, 2006


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I never realized that if you hit play you can see the drawing being created. That was fun. I've had peace signs going thru my head these days and was planning on putting one up too. But you beat me to it.

Can't hear the music since I'm at work listening to all the idiots talk while they work out. How come all the morons earn more money than me?


awww.. no music?
suffice it to say.. it would probably just make you want to get high anyway.. ;)

morons working out?
**crosses self**
watch'em, man.. they could be robots..

me i got another left temple headache.. that's supposed to mean it's a migraine.. i can't always tell the difference.. it's all just my old friend,
p a i n !!

listening to 'white rabbit' reminds me.. you know once in awhile i get all the weird aura with my migraines.. neurological symptoms.. there's even one symptom that makes you experience others in distorted size like huge or tiny.. the origin of lewis carroll's idea? like the guy that wrote 'gulliver's travels'.. they think they were all migraine inspired.. i've had weird feelings in my head i could not describe before of things feeling really fat and really thin.. must be related.. weird. i used to freak out at the picture of alice with the long neck in the old version.. i should google search for that image...


When I was little and first started getting high I used to feel textures in my mouth. I should draw one for you. That probably has nothing at all to do with what you are talking about, but that's what i thought of. Also, I used to hear this soothing woman's voice, but I could never make out what she was saying. she just spoke to me and I loved it.

There's a couple people I'd like to see small just to step on them. But I'd rather pass on the migraine

Long neck Alice is really the creepiest yet.

They could be robots. Would explain a lot.


I pm'd you on the other board. I'm a little scared.


don't worry em.. i think she's all bark and no bite!
sorry i'm not a better support right now.. i'm freaked out myself.. i keep having so many weird heartbeats that it has me worried..
wish they'd stop, but they've done it all day..
i don't want heart meds.. for a very good reason, my mom went on them for ptsv or whatever (similar arrythmia problem) and they made her so tired.. i'm already so tired.. and i'd have to stay on them for life.. ug! i don't complain about the tiredness although it's bad.. 'cause everyone pushes antidepressants.. and everyone knows my feelings on that one at this point.. i don't want anyone turning my ravens into bluebirds man! can you imagine kafka, salinger or mr poe if he were alive today? he'd be all prozacked up and writing hallmark cards.. ..


i just went back and read some more..
em.. i honestly don't know what the hell she is even talking about..?!?
but.. to each his own, i guess..


Maybe as things settle for a little while more, you'll feel better. There is this trainer at the gym who was chronically tired and had a heart valve replacement, which she did need, but then after she was still chronically tired. That went on for years. They kept telling her she was depressed. Finally one doctor listened to her and found that she needed a pacemaker. She did that this summer and she is like a new person. Could it be anything like that? I mean arrhythmias and everything?

I agree about the antidepressants. Its just a polite way of pulling a Mc Murphy on ya.

I only worry about that other thing on occasion. Like the receipt of an email that reminds me I am not too swift. But she is going off the deep end I think.


yeah, they offered the pacemaker alternative to my mom, too..
i just don't want to go down that road at all.. so i just try to not push it i guess..
i was so stupid.. i mean it's my own fault..
everybody knows if you're going to go about a long drawn out suicide attempt that you
'cause you're left with consequences..
but it's why i'm so useless all the time..
i really am here just to take care of my kitties..
when they go, i will too.
licia just got me a little more mileage is all..
always worrying about me and my stupid food...
that mattered alot to me..
have you made up with k or are you two still at odds?


Ghost, man, jesus. I could just explode with things I want to say to you!

Christ, I am so glad you "failed". Ghost you just don't get how wonderful you are! You must know that you have been so much help to me. And you take care of not only your kitties but your guys too! That adds up to a mess of beings :)

What about doing an email thing with Alicia? Might be the best therapy you ever did.

I see K tomorrow night, so we'll see. It will probably be fine.

The pacemaker surgery is pretty straight forward (as far as those things go - but I understand - It aint me!) Is it really an option for you?


first of all, thanks.. 'cause i am always consumed with this feeling/knowledge that nothing really matters.. i tested it out so much and found out that it's true.. so i can't unlearn it.. but every little bit helps i guess.. ?
as far as therapy.. i've thought about it.. and i don't think i'd find anyone else near as good as licia here.. when i looked people just seemed so inexperienced.. but honestly our insurance right now sux! i've got credit debt again that we thought we'd just cleared up in the move/sale.. just from medical bills for us all and paying for health ins. out of pocket killed us.. can't afford therapy anymore..
wish i could really..
but i think it would just keep coming down to drug plying.. and i'm not going there anymore..
as far as my heart thing..
i found out what i needed to know.. so i just avoid the dr/cardiologist now..
barring an emergency.. i am trying to be all healthy and just keep trucking.. well.. not really trucking.. just kinda poking
but it'll do..
i don't mind except that it's lonely and i feel bad when i'm so tired..
man, i pray it never gets worse..
or if it does, i hope it kills me fast and in my sleep.. no dr's no panic..
it scares me 'cause i get like feeling like i can't get enough air 'cause my heart doesn't pump enough blood.. and i panic when i get sick 'cause i feel like i'll just die off!
(it's why i had to stop drinking man.. felt like i was literally gonna die.. like it was poison..)


I'll pray it doesn't get worse too. I can imagine how tough it must be to stay positive when you are chronically tired. That was the thing that drove my friend at the gym - her emotional feelings. She just couldn't stand feeling down from being tired. I am impossible when I am tired.

Yeah, if you can't pay for therapy you are out of luck. I wonder how much longer I can keep it up. I'll have to quit my measly job in Jan. I make exactly the amount of money I need to pay for therapy. I can't imagine how we could afford to pay for it without that. Health care. Can't believe we haven't solved that problem. That's because people in power do not have that problem. If they did, you know it would be fixed.
Take care of yourself.


yeah.. the healthcare issue.. we were so spoiled down in la.. had the best coverage.. now it's welcome to the real world..
i wonder do you think with you that maybe anticipating therapy's end drives you to force it prematurely?
to try to deal with it?
the tiredness i can live (kinda) with at this point, only 'cause it's been so much worse before.. so as long as i do not decline (lose weight?) again i think i can cope? 'cause when i do i go into the 'bad' kind of depression..
thanks for the prayers! i need 'em and i'll take 'em, maybe he listens to you better than me since i've been bugging him forever? ;)


I'm wiped out. Feel guilty about saying that to you :( Failed my test I'm pretty sure. Now off to K. Too tired to fight tonite.

He should listen to my prayers since I never ask him for anything. Probably won't know who I am.


i just got my power back..
winds blew half the neighbor's tree down.. then later the power went out with a flash.. no heat.. i'm surrounded by very tall fir trees... yikes!
i hope you have a better session, em..


oh, I love when the lights go out. Got a fireplace? Some down comforters? 7 kitties? :)


yeah, back in california that's when we'd get out the flashlight and read lovecraft.. fun!
but here it's scary cold..
we have two fireplaces but the flews are just close enough together that it brings a bit of smoke back in and dan & i feel like it's hard to breathe.. great, huh?
pile on, kitties!!
well, em.. it seems you survived..? it went ok?


Oh you gotta solve the fireplace problem! Can you just close one of the flues?

It went ok. No drama. So why is the ache kicking in?

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lost & found toys

cat girl

  • xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!


  • by Edgar Allan Poe

    The skies they were ashen and sober;
    The leaves they were crisped and sere-
    The leaves they were withering and sere;
    It was night in the lonesome October
    Of my most immemorial year;
    It was hard by the dim lake of Auber,
    In the misty mid region of Weir-
    It was down by the dank tarn of Auber,
    In the ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir.

    Here once, through an alley Titanic,
    Of cypress, I roamed with my Soul-
    Of cypress, with Psyche, my Soul.
    These were days when my heart was volcanic
    As the scoriac rivers that roll-
    As the lavas that restlessly roll
    Their sulphurous currents down Yaanek
    In the ultimate climes of the pole-
    That groan as they roll down Mount Yaanek
    In the realms of the boreal pole.

    Our talk had been serious and sober,
    But our thoughts they were palsied and sere-
    Our memories were treacherous and sere-
    For we knew not the month was October,
    And we marked not the night of the year-
    (Ah, night of all nights in the year!)
    We noted not the dim lake of Auber-
    (Though once we had journeyed down here),
    Remembered not the dank tarn of Auber,
    Nor the ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir.

    And now, as the night was senescent,
    And star-dials pointed to morn-
    As the star-dials hinted of morn-
    At the end of our path a liquescent
    And nebulous lustre was born,
    Out of which a miraculous crescent
    Arose with a duplicate horn-
    Astarte's bediamonded crescent
    Distinct with its duplicate horn.

    And I said–"She is warmer than Dian:
    She rolls through an ether of sighs-
    She revels in a region of sighs:
    She has seen that the tears are not dry on
    These cheeks, where the worm never dies,
    And has come past the stars of the Lion,
    To point us the path to the skies-
    To the Lethean peace of the skies-
    Come up, in despite of the Lion,
    To shine on us with her bright eyes-
    Come up through the lair of the Lion,
    With love in her luminous eyes."

    But Psyche, uplifting her finger,
    Said–"Sadly this star I mistrust-
    Her pallor I strangely mistrust:-
    Oh, hasten!–oh, let us not linger!
    Oh, fly!–let us fly!–for we must."
    In terror she spoke, letting sink her
    Wings until they trailed in the dust-
    In agony sobbed, letting sink her
    Plumes till they trailed in the dust-
    Till they sorrowfully trailed in the dust.

    I replied–"This is nothing but dreaming:
    Let us on by this tremulous light!
    Let us bathe in this crystalline light!
    Its Sybilic splendor is beaming
    With Hope and in Beauty to-night:-
    See!–it flickers up the sky through the night!
    Ah, we safely may trust to its gleaming,
    And be sure it will lead us aright-
    We safely may trust to a gleaming
    That cannot but guide us aright,
    Since it flickers up to Heaven through the night."

    Thus I pacified Psyche and kissed her,
    And tempted her out of her gloom-
    And conquered her scruples and gloom;
    And we passed to the end of the vista,
    But were stopped by the door of a tomb-
    By the door of a legended tomb;
    And I said–"What is written, sweet sister,
    On the door of this legended tomb?"
    She replied–"Ulalume–Ulalume-
    'Tis the vault of thy lost Ulalume!"

    Then my heart it grew ashen and sober
    As the leaves that were crisped and sere-
    As the leaves that were withering and sere-
    And I cried–"It was surely October
    On this very night of last year
    That I journeyed–I journeyed down here-
    That I brought a dread burden down here-
    On this night of all nights in the year,
    Ah, what demon has tempted me here?
    Well I know, now, this dim lake of Auber-
    This misty mid region of Weir-
    Well I know, now, this dank tarn of Auber,
    This ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir."

    Said we then, the two then,
    "Ah, can it have been
    That the woodlandish ghouls,
    The pitiful, the merciful ghouls,
    To bar up our way and to ban it
    From the secret that lies in these wolds,
    From the thing that lies hidden in these wolds,
    Have drawn up the spectre of a planet
    From the limbo of lunary souls,
    This sinfully scintillant planet
    From the Hell of the planetary souls..."

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

friendlyghost fun & games!!

ghost movie picks..

  • not necessarily in this order:
    1 Dead Man
    2 Notorious
    3 Bringing Up Baby
    4 It’s a Wonderful Life
    5 A.I.
    6 Pink Floyd/The Wall
    7 The City of Lost Children
    8 Orphans (Matthew Modine)
    9 The Effect of Gamma Rays on 
    Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds
    10 The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
    11 The Curse of the Cat People
    12 Pirates of the Caribbean 1, 2 & 3 
    13 Jan Svankmejer’s Alice
    14 Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
    15 Sybil
    16 Edward Scissorhands
    17 The Nightmare Before Christmas
    18 A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
    19 An Angel at My Table
    20 Rear Window
    21 The Wizard of Oz
    22 Oliver!
    23 King Kong (original)
    24 Navigator: A Medieval Odyssey
    25 Titus
    26 The Swimmer
    27 Monty Python & the Holy Grail
    28 Sergeant York
    29 A Streetcar Named Desire
    30 The Little Princess  (original)
    31 Immortal Beloved
    32 Life & Death
    33 The Little Fugitive
    34 Willy Wonka (both)
    35 Endless Summer
    36 Dead Poets Society
    37 Silence of the Lambs
    38 Instinct
    39 Sleepy Hollow
    40 Pollock
    41 Days of Wine & Roses
    42 Something Wicked This Way 
    43 James & the Giant Peach
    44 Lemony Snickett’s Series of 
    Unfortunate Events 
    45 The Shining (original)
    46 Harold & Maude
    47 Psycho
    48 The Road to Utopia (& others!)
    49 Monkey Business (Cary Grant)
    50 North By Northwest
    51 Spider Baby
    52 Golden Earrings
    53 The Miracle Worker
    54 The Neverending Story
    55 A Clockwork Orange
    56 Clash of the Titans
    57 The Outsiders
    58 Benny &Joon
    59 The Whisperers
    60 Angela’s Ashes
    61 Willow
    62 Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein
    63 Polyester
    64 Scrooged
    65 Groundhog Day
    66 PeeWee’s Big Adventure
    67 The African Queen
    68 Victor/Victoria
    69 The Others
    70 From Hell
    71 Dreamchild
    72 The Paleface
    73 Another Woman
    74 Warlock
    75 Fanny & Alexander
    76 One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
    77 Duel
    78 A Girl Named Sooner
    79 A Christmas Story
    80 Return to Oz
    81 Harry Potter (movies)
    82 Van Helsing 
    83 Don’t Look in the Basement
    84 Toy Story
    85 The Court Jester
    86 Murder, He Says
    87 Indiscreet
    88 Creepshow
    89 Mr Smith Goes to Washington
    90 Harvey
    91 Brainstorm
    92 Ed Wood
    93 Defending Your Life
    94 The Bells of St. Mary’s
    95 Going My Way
    96 This Property is Condemned
    97 Rebel Without a Cause
    98 Labyrinth
    99 Jabberwocky
    100 Cheech & Chong’s Nice Dreams
    101 Gone With the Wind
    102 6th Sense
    103 To Kill a Mockingbird
    104 Troll
    105 Small Soldiers
    106 Jumanji
    107 Mrs. Doubtfire
    108 Gaslight
    109 Take the Money and Run
    110 The Old Man and the Sea
    111 Hocus Pocus
    112 Witches
    113 Casablanca
    114 What About Bob
    115 The Godfather
    116 The Deer Hunter
    117 Raiders of the Lost Ark
    118 Greystoke: Legend of Tarzan
    119 Monty Python’s Meaning of Life 
    120 Eraserhead
    121 Arsenic & Old Lace
    122 Motel Hell
    123 Dial M for Murder
    124 The Other
    125 The Chronicles of Narnia
    126 Napoleon Dynamite
    127 SOB
    128 The Secret Garden
    129 Apocalypse Now
    130 Hide & Seek
    131 Eternal Sunshine Spotless Mind
    132 The Abandoned
    133 Pan's Labyrinth
    134 Kafka
    135 One Hour Photo
    136 Jack the Bear
    137 Fur: Diane Arbus
    138 Unforgiven
    139 Dances With Wolves
    140 Alice in Wonderland 2010
    141 True Grit (2010)
    142 The Wolfman (original & new)
    143 Universal Monsters (originals)
    144 The Road
    145 The Woman in Black
    146 Don't Be Afraid of the Dark
    147 Dark Shadows
    148 The Yellow Wallpaper
    149 Paranorman
    150 The Hobbit (all)
    151 Frankenweenie
    152 Oz the Great & Powerful
    153 The Raven 2012
    154 Snow White & the Huntsman
    155 The Elephant Man
    156 Hugo
    157 Rabbit-Proof Fence
    158 Mama
    159 My Side of the Mountain 1969
    160 Maleficent
    161 God Bless Ozzy (bio)
    162 The Book Thief
    163 Wakefield
    Gumby Adventures (original & new)
    The Twilight Zone episodes (original)
    The Outer Limits (original)
    The Night Gallery
    Davey & Goliath
    Mr Rogers Neighborhood
    Sesame Street (pre elmo!)
    Little House on the Prairie
    Monty Python’s Flying Circus
    Mystery Science Theater 3000
    Good Neighbors
    The Rockford Files
    Fawlty Towers
    Ripping Yarns
    Metamorphosis (play) 
    The Glass Menegerie(play)
    Death of a Salesman(play)
    Absurd Person Singular(play)
    I, Claudius (miniseries)
    The Chronicles of Narnia (miniseries)
    Merlin (miniseries)
    The Snowman (animated)
    The Selfish Giant (animated)
    Prokofiev's Peter & the Wolf 2006
    Secret of Kells (animated)
    Yellow Submarine (animated)
    Watership Down (animated)
    Peter Rabbit & Friends (animated)
    Frog & Toad (animated)
    Dr Seuss (animated shows)
    Kroft shows (Land of the Lost, etc…)
    Peanuts (animated shows)
    Felix the Cat (animated cartoons)
    The Oblongs (animated)
    The Addams Family (original series)
    The Munsters (original series)
    The Phantom Creeps (serial)
    Bill & Coo (live bird show)
    The Sopranos (series)
    Biggest Loser (series)
    All Rankin/Bass shows (Mad Monster
    Party, Daydreamer etc)
    Little Rascals/Our Gang comedies 
    Deadwood (series)
    Secrets of the Dead (series)
    Mantracker (series)
    Dual Survival (original series)
    Estate of Panic (series)
    Criminal Minds (series)
    Two Fat Ladies (series)
    History Detectives (series)
    Oregon Field Guide (series)
    Once Upon a Time (both series)
    Oddities (series)
    Odd Folks Home (series)
    The Incredible Dr Pol (series)
    Colbert Report (series)
    Bates Motel (series)
    Hannibal (series)
    Longmire (series)
    Treehouse Masters (series)
    The Blacklist (series)
    Life Below Zero (series)
    Sleepy Hollow (series)
    Dracula (series)
    Portlandia (series)
    The Walking Dead (series)
    Breaking Bad (series)
    Alaska: the Last Frontier (series)
    American Horror Story (series)
    Salem (series)
    Penny Dreadful (series)
    Chronicles of Lizzie Borden (series)
    Grimm (series)
    Fear of the Walking Dead (series)
    The Killing (series)
    The Fall (series)


lost hollow digital art album ~
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved


  • lunacy..
  • the happy haunts have received your sympathetic vibrations...