time machine...

ok.. i've been so bummed out.. i need some good energy.. i must mellow...
the cardiologist says if the irregular heartbeats get too bad and i have to start on a heart med i will have to take it for life.. i so don't want to even go there.. i'm tired enough..
we're nostalgia buffs at my house.. so we have this 'ultimate retro mix' on our xbox and on my ipod.. i'm picking some select songs from it to fill the ghostunes.. starting with a trippy hippie mix and i'll change it here and there to take us back through the good old 60's.. 70's.. etc..
a few years ago i was at huntington beach (so.cal) and some young guy asked me if i was a hippie.. my son & his friends all say i am.. i guess being born in the 60's qualifies.. being a stoner.. and i did wear that headband all through my teen years.. so..
these songs are boss.. and in fact hold such powerful associations with me that i feel a little faded just hearing them.. enjoy!

still searching:
the one song of this era i'm still searching for is 'grace' by country joe & the fish.. i used to have it on tape but now cannot find it available anywhere.. even on the internet... if you find it let me know!

my 60's movie pix:
'maybe i'll come home in the spring' (sally field, david carridine, jackie cooper-major hippie movie)
'the effect of gamma rays on man-in-the-moon marigolds' (joanne woodward & her daughter)
'the endless summer' (like i said i'm an old beach bum.. gotta watch this every summer..)

see emily play/pink floyd

emily tries.. but misunderstands..
she's often inclined to borrow somebody's dreams till tomorrow..
there is no other day..
let's try it another way..
you'll lose your mind and play..
free games for may..
see emily play..

soon after dark.. emily cries..
gazing through trees in sorrow..
hardly a sound till tomorrow..
there is no other day..
let's try it another way..
you'll lose your mind and play..
free games for may..
see emily play..

put on a gown that touches the ground..
float on a river.. forever and ever.. emily..
there is no other day..
let's try it another way..
you'll lose your mind and play..
free games for may..
see emily play...

'always know.. sometimes think it's me..
but you know i know and it's a dream..
i think i know i mean.. oh yes.. but it's all wrong..
that is i think i disagree..'
ghost & toxic

p.s. !!

Comments

[emma]

I never realized that if you hit play you can see the drawing being created. That was fun. I've had peace signs going thru my head these days and was planning on putting one up too. But you beat me to it.

Can't hear the music since I'm at work listening to all the idiots talk while they work out. How come all the morons earn more money than me?

[friendlyghost]

awww.. no music?
suffice it to say.. it would probably just make you want to get high anyway.. ;)

morons working out?
**crosses self**
watch'em, man.. they could be robots..

me i got another left temple headache.. that's supposed to mean it's a migraine.. i can't always tell the difference.. it's all just my old friend,
p a i n !!

listening to 'white rabbit' reminds me.. you know once in awhile i get all the weird aura with my migraines.. neurological symptoms.. there's even one symptom that makes you experience others in distorted size like huge or tiny.. the origin of lewis carroll's idea? like the guy that wrote 'gulliver's travels'.. they think they were all migraine inspired.. i've had weird feelings in my head i could not describe before of things feeling really fat and really thin.. must be related.. weird. i used to freak out at the picture of alice with the long neck in the old version.. i should google search for that image...

[emma]

When I was little and first started getting high I used to feel textures in my mouth. I should draw one for you. That probably has nothing at all to do with what you are talking about, but that's what i thought of. Also, I used to hear this soothing woman's voice, but I could never make out what she was saying. she just spoke to me and I loved it.

There's a couple people I'd like to see small just to step on them. But I'd rather pass on the migraine
:(

Long neck Alice is really the creepiest yet.

They could be robots. Would explain a lot.

[emma]

Hey,
I pm'd you on the other board. I'm a little scared.

[friendlyghost]

don't worry em.. i think she's all bark and no bite!
sorry i'm not a better support right now.. i'm freaked out myself.. i keep having so many weird heartbeats that it has me worried..
wish they'd stop, but they've done it all day..
i don't want heart meds.. for a very good reason, my mom went on them for ptsv or whatever (similar arrythmia problem) and they made her so tired.. i'm already so tired.. and i'd have to stay on them for life.. ug! i don't complain about the tiredness although it's bad.. 'cause everyone pushes antidepressants.. and everyone knows my feelings on that one at this point.. i don't want anyone turning my ravens into bluebirds man! can you imagine kafka, salinger or mr poe if he were alive today? he'd be all prozacked up and writing hallmark cards.. ..

[friendlyghost]

i just went back and read some more..
em.. i honestly don't know what the hell she is even talking about..?!?
but.. to each his own, i guess..

[emma]

Maybe as things settle for a little while more, you'll feel better. There is this trainer at the gym who was chronically tired and had a heart valve replacement, which she did need, but then after she was still chronically tired. That went on for years. They kept telling her she was depressed. Finally one doctor listened to her and found that she needed a pacemaker. She did that this summer and she is like a new person. Could it be anything like that? I mean arrhythmias and everything?

I agree about the antidepressants. Its just a polite way of pulling a Mc Murphy on ya.

I only worry about that other thing on occasion. Like the receipt of an email that reminds me I am not too swift. But she is going off the deep end I think.

[friendlyghost]

yeah, they offered the pacemaker alternative to my mom, too..
i just don't want to go down that road at all.. so i just try to not push it i guess..
i was so stupid.. i mean it's my own fault..
everybody knows if you're going to go about a long drawn out suicide attempt that you
DO NOT FAIL!
'cause you're left with consequences..
but it's why i'm so useless all the time..
i really am here just to take care of my kitties..
when they go, i will too.
licia just got me a little more mileage is all..
always worrying about me and my stupid food...
that mattered alot to me..
have you made up with k or are you two still at odds?

[emma]

Ghost, man, jesus. I could just explode with things I want to say to you!

Christ, I am so glad you "failed". Ghost you just don't get how wonderful you are! You must know that you have been so much help to me. And you take care of not only your kitties but your guys too! That adds up to a mess of beings :)

What about doing an email thing with Alicia? Might be the best therapy you ever did.

I see K tomorrow night, so we'll see. It will probably be fine.

The pacemaker surgery is pretty straight forward (as far as those things go - but I understand - It aint me!) Is it really an option for you?

[friendlyghost]

first of all, thanks.. 'cause i am always consumed with this feeling/knowledge that nothing really matters.. i tested it out so much and found out that it's true.. so i can't unlearn it.. but every little bit helps i guess.. ?
as far as therapy.. i've thought about it.. and i don't think i'd find anyone else near as good as licia here.. when i looked people just seemed so inexperienced.. but honestly our insurance right now sux! i've got credit debt again that we thought we'd just cleared up in the move/sale.. just from medical bills for us all and paying for health ins. out of pocket killed us.. can't afford therapy anymore..
wish i could really..
but i think it would just keep coming down to drug plying.. and i'm not going there anymore..
as far as my heart thing..
i found out what i needed to know.. so i just avoid the dr/cardiologist now..
barring an emergency.. i am trying to be all healthy and just keep trucking.. well.. not really trucking.. just kinda poking along..lol..
but it'll do..
i don't mind except that it's lonely and i feel bad when i'm so tired..
man, i pray it never gets worse..
or if it does, i hope it kills me fast and in my sleep.. no dr's no panic..
it scares me 'cause i get like feeling like i can't get enough air 'cause my heart doesn't pump enough blood.. and i panic when i get sick 'cause i feel like i'll just die off!
(it's why i had to stop drinking man.. felt like i was literally gonna die.. like it was poison..)

[emma]

I'll pray it doesn't get worse too. I can imagine how tough it must be to stay positive when you are chronically tired. That was the thing that drove my friend at the gym - her emotional feelings. She just couldn't stand feeling down from being tired. I am impossible when I am tired.

Yeah, if you can't pay for therapy you are out of luck. I wonder how much longer I can keep it up. I'll have to quit my measly job in Jan. I make exactly the amount of money I need to pay for therapy. I can't imagine how we could afford to pay for it without that. Health care. Can't believe we haven't solved that problem. That's because people in power do not have that problem. If they did, you know it would be fixed.
Take care of yourself.

[friendlyghost]

yeah.. the healthcare issue.. we were so spoiled down in la.. had the best coverage.. now it's welcome to the real world..
i wonder do you think with you that maybe anticipating therapy's end drives you to force it prematurely?
to try to deal with it?
the tiredness i can live (kinda) with at this point, only 'cause it's been so much worse before.. so as long as i do not decline (lose weight?) again i think i can cope? 'cause when i do i go into the 'bad' kind of depression..
thanks for the prayers! i need 'em and i'll take 'em, maybe he listens to you better than me since i've been bugging him forever? ;)

[emma]

Hey,
I'm wiped out. Feel guilty about saying that to you :( Failed my test I'm pretty sure. Now off to K. Too tired to fight tonite.

He should listen to my prayers since I never ask him for anything. Probably won't know who I am.

[friendlyghost]

i just got my power back..
winds blew half the neighbor's tree down.. then later the power went out with a flash.. no heat.. i'm surrounded by very tall fir trees... yikes!
i hope you have a better session, em..

[emma]

oh, I love when the lights go out. Got a fireplace? Some down comforters? 7 kitties? :)

[friendlyghost]

yeah, back in california that's when we'd get out the flashlight and read lovecraft.. fun!
but here it's scary cold..
we have two fireplaces but the flews are just close enough together that it brings a bit of smoke back in and dan & i feel like it's hard to breathe.. great, huh?
pile on, kitties!!
well, em.. it seems you survived..? it went ok?

[Emma]

Oh you gotta solve the fireplace problem! Can you just close one of the flues?

It went ok. No drama. So why is the ache kicking in?