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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
rows of never opened doors:
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all rights reserved..
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  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
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we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
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Beloved sleep
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remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
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this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
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a POEtry reading...

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is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
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things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
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Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
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vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
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halloween mini album ~
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home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

« holiday orphans.. | Main | snow in hell.. »

November 25, 2006


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i did good..
now whenever souls in anguish pray to the night mother for revenge, i take lists of the names and arrange the assassinations.
i'm in charge of the dark sanctuary..
and i have mother's severed head on my nightstand..
along with one very disturbed diary not unlike one of my own journals in the 'real' world..
i'm eating all the plants and varieties of mushrooms to learn more about their alchemical properties..

venture through the new ghostunes mix if you dare..


I love when you get evil! Read the other post about Christmas (us too. we can console each other about what we didn't get. It will be our anti-christmas. I'm happy aobut it already :)
Never had a panic attack. I worry and dread but it never gets too bad - I just get down. (and boogie oogie oogie...:)
I got disillusioned about God and especailly religion early on and now I have no spirituality. But when I am in the woods for days on end, I feel a connection and belonging and some kind of sense of "fitting". I suppose it is a sort of spirituality, but don't ask me to articulate better than that. I hate the idea of asking God for things. I like the Bhuddist way of believing that you can become like Bhudda. You can never be like Christ. I don't like that. With Bhuddism, instead of asking for things, you ask Bhudda to show you the way. Anyway...

I want to get Shane Oblivion. The wheels are turning...


oooh! see now i would think that as an x 'helper elf' you might have some pull with santa? ..
i'll keep my fingers crossed for ya.. yeah, it'll be a bit of an anti-christmas for sure, last year we had gifts and fun, but it was still kinda lonely.. we all watched eraserhead! new tradition?

re: god.. i'm a bit evil, but any honest christian has a dark side, i just give it expression so it won't lurk in secret..
the only thing that kept me alive was that i believed in god all along, i've read in books on ad that this is an attachment too.. prisoners of war fare better when they either think of god or fantasize about a loved one.. i think he's there.. but where's there? in here?
you know? the way i feel about it is we have all these senses for a good reason, stuff to see, hear, feel, and a spiritual sense/soul for a reason too.. like why have eyes if there were nothing to see..? and i think we just overlook perfection or creation because it has become our everyday experience.. scientists discover pieces of it and think it's theirs, and set themselves against god like there's a conflict.. i think scientists have the greatest glimpse into the old master's work and have the best chance of recognizing it..
my faith wanes when i'm really in pain, then i go into major crisis! but most of the time all i have to do is open my eyes at all and i see evidence everywhere.. but that's just me! that's why i'm an artist i guess..
but i get pissed off at god! i mean, why hide it from him like he doesn't suspect? >:( ! >:) ?
i just keep dodging those lightning bolts, man.. well, kinda..


i have to add.. as far as asking god for stuff.. i have gotten way more than i ever dreamed or asked for outta my life.. i am a humble and grateful person in that regard.. god spoiled me in ways i gotta admit.. answered prayers.. real ones..
only thing is, the one thing i've needed all life long and begged for is like never coming.. so i feel like i shouldn't complain, but i can't help it.. so that's my conflict.
that's my big bellyache..
the most important thing feels withheld, so that i want to throw away everything else..


What a nice post ghost. That rhymes. I read it yesterday or the day before? Everything this week is a blur - but I've been thinking about this and I'll be back later.
miss ya


thanks.. i think i had to have god as my attachment or i'd have really truly been a lost cause.. but when you think about it, god doesn't really give you a 'people connection' experience at all.. more of an 'in your own head' experience..


You said the most important thing gets witheld and makes you want to throw away everything else. Right on. But someone might say that our problem lies in the fact that we are mistaken about what the most important thing is.

When I am really down I realize its really bad not to have a god to turn to. But I don't - not any kind of humanistic idea of god. I just have this idea of love and brilliance. Don't know.

You know I must comment onthe scientist thing :) The thing in my life that has compelled me sometimes to consider believing in god has been science. When you understand some of the workings, you just have to marvel at the mixture of logic and miracle. The logic itself is a miracle even.

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a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
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little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
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