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it just started to snow outside my window..
mr smith is back, too..
i'm not quite ready for the pilgrimage required for my pennance..
i'm used to my vampyric lifestyle now..
besides i'm tired..
i just want to sleep in my little snowcave..
smith for today
'help me kill my time..
help me kill my time..
help me kill my time..
'cause i'll never be fine..
help me kill my time..'
ghost & toxic ..many unhappy returns
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em,
i changed my 'one line bio' on the above/left link to my 'about' page..
what do you think? it's by the poet randall jarrell..
ghost
Posted by: ghost | November 28, 2006 at 05:17 PM
Oh, yeah! I love it. That is it in a nutshell. It is a lovely metaphor for the ache. I know you mean it in the larger sense too - agoraphobia, and of course this ridiculous life. At the same time, doesn't everything for us boil down to the laser fine point of the ache? I like it. It fits you. :)
ps
I was reading something this week about the "agora" - oh, I know - It was something written by Shirley Strum Kenny (smart lady) she said that the agora is the truth that people decide to believe, so I wondered what relationship that had to agoraphobia?
Posted by: Emma | December 01, 2006 at 09:17 AM
hmm.. i don't know what she means? i know that agoraphobia is really 'fear of the marketplace' and agora was a major city in athens or something that must've had a crowded marketplace? but what it really becomes is 'fear of panic attacks' due to having them in the marketplace, so you avoid people?
yeah, i love that quote now.. so glad i found it.. i think he wrote with maurice sendak.. the bat poet and such..
re: the ache.. lately it's really odd with me.. ache is dulled.. like i feel nothing.. partly i'm relieved to finally just feel like i don't care.. but partly it may be worse depression? i'm not used to just feeling nothing and not caring.. i mean, man i'm at least usually desperate to try something to feel better?
maybe i'm finally resigned to my fate..
Posted by: ghost | December 01, 2006 at 11:52 AM
Sigh. These are the choices. Agony or apathy. I hear ya. I don't think you could ever really be apathetic - just not your soulular make up. Ha! I just made that up. I like it...soulular :)
But in a way, I am glad you are a little numb. You need a break-whatever form it comes in.
Man I'm glad this week is over and I am home!
Posted by: emma | December 01, 2006 at 02:12 PM
It was Shirley Anne Jackson, President of RPI. Strum Kenny is the President of MY Universtiy. Guess I've got women presidents on the brain :)
This is the excerpt from the speech that I read:
The Place of the Scientist in the agora: a metaphor
To frame these ideas, I would like to introduce the simple metaphor of what the ancient Greeks would have called the 'agora'. This represents the place where, historically, interactions occur among societal sectors and the 'public at large'. The government occupies a quadrant — the decision-makers, the legislators, the bureaucrats, the regulators, the courts, and the body of law, itself. Industry and the private economic sector — from merchants to corporations — hold their share of real estate. The religious sector — church, mosque, synagogue, and temple — has its place in the agora. And, last but not least, academia — the educators and students who shape the future. The agora is the societal nexus.
This agora is where the public selects its "truth" — or, put differently, what society will accept as "fact." This is where leaders make public policy decisions. But, what is the role played by science? Where does the scientist stand in this arena? And, how does the role of the scientist shape the formation of public policy?
http://www.rpi.edu/president/speeches/ps021705-aaas.html
Posted by: emma | December 01, 2006 at 02:18 PM
now i kinda get it.. don't you think science has a pretty solid voice? i have always loved science.. bothers me that it gets pitted against my christianity.. even darwin said his theory didn't disprove god or intend to.. but i think the trial was what did.. they made the case that progressive thinking people trust science and religious ideas were ignorant and archaic.. in my head they just don't clash at all.. don't need to..
isn't it funny nowadays the christians are using science and archaeology to prove biblical 'myths' a reality and evolutionary scientists too often seem to be basing their concepts more on faith than good scientific method.. chuckle.. it's ironic..
oh man.. i'm chicken now 'cause i have like one day's antibiotic left and the thing in my throat is the same.. like i am ok with trusting a dr to cut off! some of it to biopsy!
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!
ghost
Posted by: ghost | December 02, 2006 at 05:23 PM
today i was downtown looking for something.. i love downtown portland.. the old buildings.. snowy mt. hood & mt. st. helens in the distance.. i even love the cold sunshine.. it's about 40 degrees but the winds are the killer chill factor..
i'm not cutting, but it comes out anyway.. i have bitten the skin on my lips so much trying to make my mouth bleed and bruise.. it's like a symptom.. i can't help it.. i'm not well i suppose..
we're going to go play vintage nickel games at 'wunderland' and see if gumby #2 or any new autumn or lenore comics are out at cosmic monkey..
i got a new opeth song from dan so the mix is fresh again.. since right now elliott's songs just make me cry.. :( .. so does the clip i added on the post.. familiar portland scenes.. back in '96.. the sound is off a bit, but elliott is perfect.. :)
ghost
Posted by: ghost | December 03, 2006 at 12:51 PM
Hey Ghost!
Ohhhhhssshhhiiiittttt!!! How long are you supposed to do the antibiotic? When do you go back to the dr?
I've fallen behind here. I want to look at the new clip, but I seem to remember there was even another one I have not yet seen?
I'm too busy for me and I see no let up until Christmas. Its a miracle, but my head is still above water. I'm always out and about but I am always alone. I'm tired and feeling sad. Been thinking about M and missing her.
Getting cold here too. Feeling some dread coming on about Christmas. Sometimes the ache is just one big bad case of homesickness when you know you will never go, have never been, home.
Posted by: Emma | December 04, 2006 at 06:48 PM
em.. we are lost..
we can never go home.. :(
lately i've been ok in a detached sort of way.. like i stopped caring and i'm relieved.. me & toxic have to take care of ourselves like always.. ok.
i have no explanation why it hits me now this way after allllll this time?
hey.. christmas won't be so bad.. do you have the 'family' channel? on saturday they're running the rankin/bass christmas shows all day long and we're gonna record them onto dvds.. it's a marathon! another escape for toxic.. she loves christmas.. maybe scout would dig it too? i've had enough christmases with no gifts, no tree, even no christmas dinner.. just the carols on the radio.. so i'm glad just to get these shows.. you know?
have you ever seen 'the daydreamer'? it's an old rare rankin/bass show that they never show anymore 'cause it's too edgy for kids really, but it was always toxic's favorite.. so i found it and bought it years ago on dvd.. this boy goes to the garden of paradise and there's the tree and the serpent and all.. really dark and creepy.. and a whole part with bats.. a good song.. sorta like mad monster party.. you must remember it?
well, i'm wiping my laptop clean 'cause it's so laggy..
but the blog and gumbyland should stay up ok..
i hope?..
i always put the new clips wayyyy down right now.. they're old.. i used to film everything in such dark low light!
also.. i'm just avoiding going to the dr for now...
ug.
ghost & toxic
Posted by: ghost | December 04, 2006 at 09:56 PM
oh p.s.
wunderland was fun.. dan beat 'house of the dead 4'!
i always remember he & i beat 'house of the dead 2' together at his 15th bday party.. smokin' machine guns in hand and zombie blood everywhere.. a true mother & son moment..
Posted by: ghost | December 04, 2006 at 09:59 PM
Oh, ya made me laugh with the "true mother and son moment" :)
Shane is going to chip in $100 for the xbox and we will do the rest so...Viola!!!! It is done! Xbox360 here we come!!! My sister is going to get him a game so I'll tell her Oblivion. See how it works out?
I have no familiarity with Rankin/bass "the daydreamer". That sounds promising! I do have the family channel so I will look for it.
I'm not too bummed about Christmas really.
Its funny, but I am feeling a little detached too.
I can't pay for therapy, so I'm waiting for January when (maybe) my insurance kicks in and I can go back. As it stands, I have no appointments. I freaked out on K (of course) about it the last time I saw her. Normally I'd be suicidal, but I feel too ...I don't know...like it hurts, but what the hell, it always hurts. I'm just letting it go.
When Christmas comes I will have something to celebrate because I will have finished this semester and this was the hardest one yet. I'll have 2 weeks off and that will be sooooooo nice. So I think that will be enough for me. Plus, I feel better than last night. I was tired and that makes me weepy. I was really sad. But, when I woke up, I felt pretty good. Spent the day working on powerpoint and I like that. Did some funny stuff - think the kids will like it :)
Man ghost, I hope that thing you have turns out to be a big nothing.
Posted by: Emma | December 05, 2006 at 03:31 PM
oh yay!! for shane!! and for you, too!! :) !!!!!
i'm gonna find my xmas carols cd for my car.. it has oldies like from the 40's like bing crosby and others from the 50's i guess.. it always helps us all realize it's really christmas.. otherwise it would go by and that would be sad.. since we have no family around or anything to give us the christmas feeling or whatever..
you've worked hard through alot and deserve that 2 weeks, em..
what did you do on powerpoint? something for your students?
lately i'm just wandering through the countryside in oblivion.. it's really beautiful.. i'm eating every kind of plant i find and trapping souls to gain alchemical experience.. i love being able to just wander day and night through the wildflowers..
ghost
Posted by: ghost | December 05, 2006 at 04:02 PM
Hey,
Yeah, powerpoint for the kids. I hope its not too silly. Because, it is pretty silly. For instance to describe the thermohaline circulation I put a pic of a cow in a bathtub (heaven is a warm bath). The cow follows the thermal conveyor belt up north. Then a big salt shaker falls into his lap (high salinity) and he sinks down to the sea bottom and travels to antartic. It's really cold, so I make his pic shiver and then in flies a wool cap for his head. When the converyor belt rises to the equator, he loses his wool hat :) Silly.
I agree about the Christmas songs. I've got a bunch of those cd's. Guess I'll dig them out soon too.
Ghost, you gotta help with that picture. It's soooooo lame. You gotta DO SOMETHING !!!!!! :)
Posted by: Emma | December 06, 2006 at 04:58 AM
oh no! leave it. it is lovely! pretty pretty!!
and "(heaven is a warm bath)" .. OH yes!! i agree.
i love 'marshmallow world' but i forget who sings it.. in california the folks on our neighborhood blocks outdid each other with christmas lights, man!
even santa was there once, scared me actually.. gave us a candy cane.. toxic still loves christmas at least..
for some reason we were talking about chitty chitty bang bang.. dan had to watch it once to try to write out all the different 'laws of motion' in that movie.. there's like hundreds if you ever need to use it in class..;)
anyway.. it reminded me of toxic's nemesis.. the child-catcher! do you remember him? that creepy long-nosed guy in black with a tophat that goes around sniffing out children and putting them into his wagon/cage..
***toxic shivers***
with me it's the robots, though.. as you know...
well, i hope shane has a blast playing oblivion, and someday if you can ever wrench the controller away, you should try it too! it's a great escape..
ghost
p.s. i switched the mix to classical.. it's christopher o'riley playing elliott smith and radiohead songs..
Posted by: ghost | December 06, 2006 at 09:38 AM
I saw chitty chitty bang bang in the movie theatre when it came out. What a great one. I wish my breakfast was made like that. We had a repleca car and the wings retracted and the hood went up, so cool.
Yeah, they always had to put in the character who was evil to kids. Always scarin the hell out of us.
Can't hardly ever listen to your mixes because someone is always around yellin' "shut it off!" Old farts.
I posted the cow on the other site :)
google blue man group global warming for a cool video. I'm going to try to work that into one of my lessons too.
Are we really gonna stare at that lame tree until Christmas? Oh, here is an idea: replace it with Charlie Brown's tree!
Posted by: Emma | December 06, 2006 at 04:46 PM
the old farts don't even like classical?.. man..
that video is cool.. you know al gore was on the oprah show yesterday talking all about 'an inconvenient truth'?
i like the little charlie brown tree.. that's what we plan on getting this year.. last year we got a huge one.. some variety that's blue under the needles.. cool.. once we bought a 'living tree' (tiny) for xmas and then planted in our backyard on xmas day.. it's still there.. much bigger, too..
but we thought a little tree is ok this year, we'll wrap a little blankey around it & all..
i'm so trying to be ok for the season.. hate being sad for xmas.. i think i'm in an 'apogee' phase in my ad.. as opposed to your 'perigee'.. just a little dead satellite at my farthest point in space away from the world that i spin around endlessly... ?
*sigh*
oh, i have a pic idea...
...
Posted by: ghost | December 06, 2006 at 08:22 PM
kind of a sucky grinch..
my touchpad doesn't help..lol!
he looks a little trashed?
Posted by: ghost | December 06, 2006 at 09:08 PM
grinch is fantastic! You have saved the day!!! Season. Whatever. You humble me Ghost.
Am I at perigee? That's pause for thought.
Apogee is a good metaphor. It represents what you have been describing well. I don't like it for you, but it is the lesser of evils.
I'm glad we can hang here thru the holidays. One place we don't have to fake it.
Shane wants me to ask you if he can have a knight with a scythe or a character with a long robe and a scythe in Oblivion.
Hope your headache isn't getting too bad.
Dont you just want to beat the crap out of Pete's wife? Probably shouldn't write that, but man she does piss me off!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: emma | December 08, 2006 at 02:32 PM
Oh, and about the trees - I love that you planted your Christmas tree! I have had many Charlie Brown's (by choice). My parents always loved them too when we were little. The one thing my parents did well was Christmas. They got us gifts and Christams eve and day were always nice. But there was hell on the 23nd and 26 th :) Not sure what we will get this year. Stay posted.
Posted by: emma | December 08, 2006 at 02:35 PM
first of all, your shane sounds like a kid after our own tastes 'gooble gobble gooble gobble we accept him one of us'..
this is one of our pet quotes from the movie 'freaks'.. yes, you can be a knight, yes, there are robes aplenty, and when you get some skills you can enchant any plain old robe with powers of your own choice.. yes, there are scythes in the game, but sadly you cannot use them as a weapon.. or i would've been out reaping grimly.. they are just an item/tool.. some villagers can use a rake or a hoe as a weapon, but they're pretty feeble.. but take heart.. wait till you see the variety of blades there are available as you progress and search.. and you can apply a variety of poisons to them as well..
something else to consider.. you can hook up your xbox live through your pc modem and get updates for the game that are pretty cheap and really worth it.. like frostcrag spire or the 'knights of the 9'.. the latest update dan just loves..
oh the migraine makes me hate all.. can't help it.. i'm trying to figure out a place to vent that rage when it starts oozing out though.. the filmclip for my mother is a good example of one of those rage outlets..
god, xmas at home was bad.. a house full of alcoholics and one paranoid schizophrenic who had to steal everyone's attention every major holiday with a suicide attempt or something...
just such bad memories..
rankin/bass makes me happy!
ghost & toxic
Posted by: ghost | December 08, 2006 at 05:09 PM
i'm up eating organic marionberry scones.. ready for the marathon!
kinda funny.. only in my little world would my son tell me i'm drinking way too much and it's affecting my health and abilities.. in oblivion..
oh my..
Posted by: ghost | December 09, 2006 at 08:43 AM
Wow. I am such an idiot. I wrote this long response but then got distracted by the new graphic for the Universe animation thing. So before I hit "post" I clicked the cool new pic for the link and lost the post. I am a child.
Anyway, xbox is puchased and my sister called this morning to say that she will purchase oblivion. So it is done! And I am very proud that you would consider him one of your own :)
Hope the migraine is easing up. And I had to chuckle at your son's comment. Our personalities follow us everywhere, don't they :)
Been busy putting together some pretty cool lessons. Actually, a little too cool - especially since I am afraid that these will never be seen by anyone other than college professors. What a waste.
Man ghost, I bet you could put together some really cool stuff. I mean, my stuff is better than most and creatively, I am a dud compared to you. You would go to town with all the techno stuff and that's the way they want you to go these days.
I know, you could put together an earthscience web page and charge for its use. Oh, yeah! Ka-ching! $$$$$$
So, I'm bumming. Haven't seen K for a couple of weeks. Just dropped off the last of the money I owed her. Sniffle. Don't know if she is going to call me this week, but even if I had the money, my schedule is booked. I don't intend to call her. What's the point? No ticky no shirty. I was loved when I had money. Makes you think about people like Christina Onasis. I think I understand how she must have felt sometimes :) Yeah, right.
Posted by: emma | December 10, 2006 at 02:28 PM
thanks, i've finally had a break after 2 straight days/nights of migraine fun.. so we had to get the tree while we could today..
you know.. dan has talked about wanting to be an elementary school teacher..
i just love that he thought of that on his own and everything.. he'd be a good one.. he's always been so sweet with his little cousins and all.. and he is interested in science, poetry, art, music.. a chip off the old block i guess.. when i have pc questions i go to him.. he's the techno guy..
but em, why don't you set up a cool earthscience web page.. don't you have free webspace with your provider? i used frontpage software to make gumbyland.. well, and bdhp did alot of it for me :)
if your future students had questions about the material they could just go there and review or ask questions or whatever..?
Posted by: ghost | December 10, 2006 at 06:12 PM