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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
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2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
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Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
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family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
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a POEtry reading...

my elliott smith lyric page (sound up)
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
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the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
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toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
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art albums ~ use a laptop or pc with sound up!

halloween mini album ~
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Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space


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« i hate the world. | Main | there is no future.. »

October 14, 2006


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these quiet elliott smith rares always take me back to my first days up here in icy wet oregon.. with him whispering placeholder, going nowhere & pretty mary k into my ears from my ipod.. out in the rain & cold.. i cried all the time then.. but the rain made it secret..they are true ghostunes..

emma are breaking my heart. I wish I could create something for you. I can only love you.




i'm happy right now 'cause my long lost painted pony mysteriously returned home! the one i got steel armour for.. so i've been riding around the countryside in the rain alot..
also i joined the virtuous blood organization.. (they are vampyre slayers... hehe.. they don't know....)


i'm feeling pretty much like my attachment problem, like my agoraphobia, is hopeless.. it's just the way i am, not likely anyone can or will help me.. i only say that after 30 years of truly searching.. and half a lifetime of therapy on & off..
it's not understood yet..
and i'm unwilling to drug myself until the genii figure it out..
it's fucking lonely though..
knowing it never lets up ... that ache.
ghost & toxic
(xxxfriends til we diexxx)


I've been thinking about Licia. I'm not feeling the love for her. I know therapy is...its...umm...oh crap. I don't know what therapy is! But I pay for it!
That ache. How is it that the ache can be so tenacious? Like why is hope and love and all the good things so much weaker than the ache?

You know ghost, whether someone can help you is unknown, but someone would help you. There is someone, many, who would want to help you. Who would see all your goodness. I see it everywhere.


thanx,em, you are my pal..
there's no sense to why i still care about someone who has surely forgotten me.. i just really liked her out of all the humans.. & i wanted her to be the one i'd let in to help.. but not many people are ok with my chronic major depression..
i am happy sometimes..

even if she just really had wanted to help & didn't know how.. i would've been ok with that.. instead she got frustrated & tried to fit me into a little box.
i should just be gone like i am to her & everyone else, but i ache.. so i must still be here..?
you know i asked her to please not forget me.. but i knew she was already wanting me gone.. so i was an idiot & tried to make her hate me at least.. made her give up my records.. but i left her a dvd on our last session.. now i bet it probably didn't even work due to stupid phillips/magnavox & problems with discs we made then... of course.. now ours only play on our playstation for some reason.. i'm such a freak & an idiot. i'll never get better.


Gone? Man you are so here:) And that makes me very happy. Oh, man. You asked licia not to forget you? I can just feeeeeel that ghost. What did you put on the dvd? You are a freak:) It's one of your finer qualities:) But you are not an idiot. If you were, you'd probably be diong fine! As far as getting better, look at what you have accomplished in the last year. Sometimes I don't think I want to get "better". I just want the ache to be satisfied and I bet that is not related to getting better.


i just now found this comment.. how did i miss it? i agree, i don't mind not getting better, if only others could live with me the way i am.. if i could just get a little of what i need i'd be a-ok.

the disc had a little clip of a 'goodbye/thank you' with me & my kitties.. 3 vintage original gumby episodes (A+ ones), and a copy of the czech film by jan svankmeyer 'alice'.. it's one of my favorites & very hard to find.. have you seen it, em?
i bet it didn't even work & she thinks i'm an idiot..
i guess a true idiot would in fact be blissfully ok, huh? thanks for that.. you are right. i've just always had this twilight zoney feeling that i should have just been gone since forever ago.. that's why i'm a ghost.

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a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
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friendlyghost fun & games!!


lost hollow digital art album ~
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