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just (a poem for a friend)
i was just a ghost scratching my x on your tree..
i was just a black snowflake falling in the night..
i was just a tin target shot full of holes spinning..
a small shadow on the moon..
i was just a silent crash in the mirror..
i was just a bloody fishhook..
lying there inside out..
you were just a stranger walking down my crooked road..
and your sunny smile was just my undoing.
ghost
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these quiet elliott smith rares always take me back to my first days up here in icy wet oregon.. with him whispering placeholder, going nowhere & pretty mary k into my ears from my ipod.. out in the rain & cold.. i cried all the time then.. but the rain made it secret..they are true ghostunes..
ghost
Posted by: friendlyghost | October 14, 2006 at 12:43 PM
Ghost...you are breaking my heart. I wish I could create something for you. I can only love you.
Posted by: emma | October 14, 2006 at 04:11 PM
;)
Posted by: friendlyghost | October 14, 2006 at 06:51 PM
i'm happy right now 'cause my long lost painted pony mysteriously returned home! the one i got steel armour for.. so i've been riding around the countryside in the rain alot..
also i joined the virtuous blood organization.. (they are vampyre slayers... hehe.. they don't know....)
Posted by: friendlyghost | October 15, 2006 at 06:41 PM
p.s.
i'm feeling pretty much like my attachment problem, like my agoraphobia, is hopeless.. it's just the way i am, not likely anyone can or will help me.. i only say that after 30 years of truly searching.. and half a lifetime of therapy on & off..
it's not understood yet..
and i'm unwilling to drug myself until the genii figure it out..
it's fucking lonely though..
knowing it never lets up ... that ache.
ghost & toxic
(xxxfriends til we diexxx)
Posted by: friendlyghost | October 15, 2006 at 07:06 PM
Hey,
I've been thinking about Licia. I'm not feeling the love for her. I know therapy is...its...umm...oh crap. I don't know what therapy is! But I pay for it!
That ache. How is it that the ache can be so tenacious? Like why is hope and love and all the good things so much weaker than the ache?
You know ghost, whether someone can help you is unknown, but someone would help you. There is someone, many, who would want to help you. Who would see all your goodness. I see it everywhere.
Posted by: emma | October 16, 2006 at 08:10 AM
thanx,em, you are my pal..
there's no sense to why i still care about someone who has surely forgotten me.. i just really liked her out of all the humans.. & i wanted her to be the one i'd let in to help.. but not many people are ok with my chronic major depression..
i am happy sometimes..
even if she just really had wanted to help & didn't know how.. i would've been ok with that.. instead she got frustrated & tried to fit me into a little box.
i should just be gone like i am to her & everyone else, but i ache.. so i must still be here..?
you know i asked her to please not forget me.. but i knew she was already wanting me gone.. so i was an idiot & tried to make her hate me at least.. made her give up my records.. but i left her a dvd on our last session.. now i bet it probably didn't even work due to stupid phillips/magnavox & problems with discs we made then... of course.. now ours only play on our playstation for some reason.. i'm such a freak & an idiot. i'll never get better.
Posted by: friendlyghost | October 16, 2006 at 09:25 AM
Gone? Man you are so here:) And that makes me very happy. Oh, man. You asked licia not to forget you? I can just feeeeeel that ghost. What did you put on the dvd? You are a freak:) It's one of your finer qualities:) But you are not an idiot. If you were, you'd probably be diong fine! As far as getting better, look at what you have accomplished in the last year. Sometimes I don't think I want to get "better". I just want the ache to be satisfied and I bet that is not related to getting better.
Posted by: emma | October 17, 2006 at 03:29 AM
em..
i just now found this comment.. how did i miss it? i agree, i don't mind not getting better, if only others could live with me the way i am.. if i could just get a little of what i need i'd be a-ok.
the disc had a little clip of a 'goodbye/thank you' with me & my kitties.. 3 vintage original gumby episodes (A+ ones), and a copy of the czech film by jan svankmeyer 'alice'.. it's one of my favorites & very hard to find.. have you seen it, em?
i bet it didn't even work & she thinks i'm an idiot..
i guess a true idiot would in fact be blissfully ok, huh? thanks for that.. you are right. i've just always had this twilight zoney feeling that i should have just been gone since forever ago.. that's why i'm a ghost.
Posted by: friendlyghost | October 17, 2006 at 03:09 PM