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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts!
2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..
my photo albums (sound up!)

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
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family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
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a POEtry reading...

my elliott smith lyric page (sound up)
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
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the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
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toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
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art albums ~ use a laptop or pc with sound up!

halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

« ground z e r o | Main | rainy day.. »

October 03, 2006


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I followed the ghostblood link thinking it lead to your book. It went to an si site.


Did you see me? I was there as a guest when you showed up.


Oh wow! That video was AMAZING! I love ittttt! I love all the effects, and the music is PERFECT for the video. I wish I could do all of that kind of thing. I always find everything you do completely creatively inspiring to me. Some of my best paintings, and drawings, and writing has come to me after getting wickedly inspired by your art. It doesn't matter if I've seen it a thousand times before, it still gets me revved up and ready to create something. Anything!

I used to say, my favorite artist was karenmichel ( but.. Gumby girl, I think you've beat that by a mile or more. Your creativity really inspires me, so thank you!

Love ya chick!


Forgot to ask if I could put that video on my website?


hey amby, that really means alot to me girlfriend!! i get that revved up creative feeling when i hear new really good music, or i see just the right image.. so i think i know what you mean.. like i just gotta go paint something!

em, you went down the rabbithole??!! i didn't see you there! sorry for the confusion.. the link's way down on the sidebar with the gallery stuff..

p.s. sure amby, knock yourself out, use whatever you like.. would you mind putting some kind of name/copyright under it (brenda roudebush -copyright 2000)i don't have a 'c' in a circle here.. but something like that?


I did go down the rabbit hole and all by myself and I went poking around and got what I deserved. It was upsetting to me.

But, just now I did find the right link to the bio and its great. It is just so incredibly familiar to me. Beginning with the Doors! Yes, of course!

My childhood was one long drug trip, hiding out, hanging out wherever you could be left in peace, driving, cutting (class! :), acting straight, the endless search for food and money, drugs and alcohol. At the time, I thought I was really living. Thumbing my nose at the world. But the world never noticed or cared.

I did have a lot of fun. But it was, in so many ways, awful too. I remember almost OD'ing one night. Alcohol, mescaline, weed, speed and more mesc and more alcohol and more weed and more speed. I was blacking out as I went and not remembering what I had already dropped. The next day when I woke up in the middle of a room somewhere in my clothes and a puddle of piss, I knew I had come close, but I couldn't remember a thing. Eventually, talking with people who told me what they gave me, I began to piece it all together.


the rabbit hole is pro whatever you are, if you si, they support it, if you want to stop, they support that, if you are ana, they'll help you lose weight, but they've been very caring about my putting the brakes on my ed, before i die! so it is truly not for the faint of heart there.. please proceed with caution!

i chose my favorite little bit at the beginning of chapter 7.. which i wrote while i had a high fever without even stopping.. kinda turned out best that way.. remembering all that insanity.. i'll switch it to one of my own little 'experiences' down the 'yellow brick road..'
but there is a ton of good 'happy' stuff too in that book..
i'm glad you survived your story in one piece,too! well, we may be a bit shattered in the head, though, huh?
haven't gotten to itunes yet 'cause i updated internet explorer & it f'd up everything.. lost stuff!
i'm going back to the old one... grrr!


em, the other si sites along the border are ALL support sites for quitting.. not pro si at all, so those are safe!
but down the rabbit hole we are all mad ! ! !


Hey, sure Bren! I can put a copyright on there, I'll even throw in the little symbol for ya! :P :P hehe. I'm going to go start that now. I shared your pages and stuff with my dad, I think he'll really love your art, considering I rave about it all the time. Haha.


Supportive of injuring yourself?! No, sorry, I can't understand how that is caring. I understand why it is in your life and why you do it. I can talk about it, look at it, imagine it, empathize, share anything about it really. But it harms you and I care about you so I cannot celebrate it. I don't understand that part.


i'm such a happy ghost today! who woulda thought last weekend...
gotta run my son to his psych class...


yeah, it's a twisted concept, but sometimes i need somewhere to raise hell & it's allowed, you know?
the other sites are just not like that, they are very caring.. amby knows, she used to run sia, one of the best!
my friend alice down the rabbit hole is an escaped mental patient..
sometimes i just need that place.. i guess..


how to explain...?
i'm not masochistic, i don't want to feel pain, the si helps kill pain, it helps more than harms, the way surgery can..
maybe amby could say it better..
gotta go..


I understand what it does for you. I understand its purpose. And I do not want you to feel you have to defend yourself. That is not at all my intent. (Not sure that is what you were doing anyway - but thought I should throw that in).
I am protective of you Ghost, that's all. :)

You're taking him to psych? You sure you want to do that? :)


thanks, em..
and i get it, what you're saying, i mean, i don't think i've ever heard anyone 'encourage' anyone else there, just support you wherever you are, sick or sicker..
i've been to horrible places online, though, one place called '' (closed down now) had hundreds upon hundreds of the most graphic si pix.. creepy to me even..

man, i'm so into this october thing.. last night dan & i sat craning our necks watching black clouds move across the moon in these spectral shapes, leaves are flying around.. i so don't miss california! and i got special stuff planned for halloween here at the ghost blog!!
we should have a halloween party here!
bob for apples?
(.. but better check 'em for razor blades?)


psych class...
he loves that stuff, too..
big surprise.


i just posted a very healthy message down the rabbithole about a lesson i've learned about anorexia.. that is how your body knows what you're up to when you keep it in a famine state, and how it will actually drop back down in weight once it trusts you are feeding it ok! lesson in point, i have gone without weighing myself now for a record amount of time, been eating healthy & taking vits for anemia, and after going up a bit and freaking out, i stuck with it and now i've gone back down a tad and can live in the 120's (lbs. i am 5'10" in my flat sneaks, to give you an idea)and the best part is i can actually eat!!
i've been having pizza & pasta & everything, so i'm gonna just live with myself the way i am!!!!!!

plus, i'm only 12 lbs. on the moon.. 8 lbs. on pluto!
(poor pluto, bring pluto back into the solar system, mean old scientists!!)

there's a calculator down & left now...
a happy ghost


Oh, bummmer. I'm fat on mars too. Sigh. I'm a piglette. Oink.

That is a great calculator. I'll have to use it in a lesson!


i'm tons of fun on the sun!

i got an email today from my sister in oklahoma! she finally got her own horse, which is like a dream come true for her... i'm really happy for her!!

yeah, that calculator page has cool stuff down at the bottom, too...
my son's looking for the music you mentioned, em.. he downloads everything for me free somewhere.. probably illegal.. oh well.


He gets it for free? Good because I doubt you will like any of it !!!!! :)

I can barely listen to my brother in laws recordings. Its so funny. Its too jazz. But when I go and see him live - it is great, it really is electric.

My nephew's stuff sounds...oh he'd kill me, but...amatuer. But they are young and I really have faith in them so don't get me wrong.

Little wilson is fantastic, but that one song probably sucks. They are a live band - thats just the way I think they come thru. some bands only make sense live. But they were just the best growing up (and still are!)

But since you can get it free, get that Dan Bern song Jerusalem. I posted the lyrics, but I don't think anyone got how funny it is, and serious. Get that one if you can.


yeah, ok.. i remember that one..


they weren't on limewire, i'll have to check itunes once i'm back up..?

after driving up to mt st helens & back on those curvy roads i got like the
'stillness illness' once i got home..
like i'll puke..


Whew that was a lot to read through, but I just wanted to comment on the whole, pro-si thing.

I visited the Rabbit Hole website and found it to be a better website than most pro-si websites. Because, as they say there, they allow you to be as pro as you want to be. Some people are full fledges pro-self injury. They will post pictures of their injuries to encourage others to hurt themselves, and what have you. Other people go to those websites just to be able to be around people who know what they're experiancing without having that constant weight and pressure on their shoulders to quit what they're doing.

Of course they should quit, and we all want people we love to quit hurting themselves when they're in those situations, but constant pressure from people we love does nothing but make some people more anxious, and makes them feel guilty.. And as a result of that sometimes makes them want to hurt themselves more.. It's a vicious cycle..

So.. I understand like.. Why people go to pro-si sites, I can't say I'm supportive of the people who are encouraging the lifestyle though. Saying, it's okay to be this way, and encouraging the behavior by .. posting pictures of open wounds, or posting pictures of girls whos bones are sticking through their skin..

I hope that makes sense. I guess what I'm trying to say is, there are two types of pro people.

Pro people who just want to avoid the pressure and guilt of being forced to quit.

And the pro people who encourage the behavior and think nothing is wrong with it.

But that's just my take on things :D hehe.

I miss my website sometimes (it wasn't pro SI by the way).

Anyway, take care.

Hugs, love.


see now, i knew you'd say it best, amby.. i've been to both kinds, too.. and actually the tiny rabbithole site has been so supportive of me, with encouraging me not to restrict so bad when i got really sick/ed..
and when we get really upset we rant there without anyone jumping on us for it, which helps so much, so it is a good site..
i admit i've posted pix there along with the others, sometimes i need only look at pix to feel validated, or whatever effect the s.i. had, without doing it again, it's like, it's out there and it matters somehow, and i'm not ivisible?
thanks for putting it so well...
hugs back,


p.s. you are so right about the pressure when loved ones try to get you to stop, that guilt only drives you into guilty secrecy...
understanding is the only key out..


also, when others post pix i just try to validate as well, state the obvious, like 'you are skinny' just because in my own experience that's all they need to hear.. if they don't hear it, they keep trying to get thinner..
i've found some real sick ana girls who are not hopeless, who do respond to trying alternatives, to my opinion since i'm older and have done damage for a long time, the pix are sad.
pix of ghosts to be if they can't be reached?

anorexia to me is a certain very specific kind of drawn out suicide attempt, and it's that suicidality that needs to be addressed, not let all the focus become too much about the food, weight, calories..


I feel like maybe I've been misunderstood. I don't want to pressure you to stop - I don't think I have done that, mostly because I've always been aware that it would have the reverse effect. I am only saying that I will not celebrate it - will not say "Ooooo, that's a nice one". However, I have no problems with the pics. They explain more to me. Maybe I am drawing too fine a line. Hope I am not beating this to death or offending either one of you.


em, i didn't take it that way at all.. i think i just felt my own need to like explain my own behaviour, you know? also, the rabbithole is not representative of the other si support sites, so i was explaining why.. you should click down on 'safe haven' & see what a really good support site looks like.. there are thousands there... my first board i visited ever..
maybe we si'ers feel we are always having to explain ourselves to others? 'cause it's so hard to understand.. to me it's just nature's way, it's last ditch effort to self soothe.. it saved me from cutting deeper for more serious results, so it saved my life..

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cat girl

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lost & found toys

Plague dr
the lost album - click to enter my current photo album here.. (sound up)
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a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
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  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
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  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
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little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
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friendlyghost fun & games!!


lost hollow digital art album ~
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