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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
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September 30, 2006


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em,awesome bike ride!!!!!
looks like the gumbypillar turned into a butterfly afterall...


Yeah, that's me and you!

Don't hide.


Your the butterfly from Pier One :)


a pretty thing rising outta the gutter to fly away?

p.s. take me with you on your next bike ride, k?


The butterfly I would have saved for you had I been there. And yes, I do take you often now, so I will on the next one.

Ain't I the mushiest :)


i'm being punished now..
'cause i got my feelings hurt, that's the way it works here.
the house is dark & quiet.
i want to cut, i can if i want to.. it helps me, it's the only thing that does.. but it'll mean cancelling another dr's appt. i'm in need of.
thank goodness for the cutting, at least then i'm in control of hurting myself..
he'll never even address it, that's not what he does, he can tune me out forever.. it's what he does best..
even way back 20 years ago when i was catatonic, he just came & went & carried on his side of the conversation.. & pretended it was fine..
at my lowest weight when i was waiting to die, he just wanted to pretend, so he ignored it all.. except to insult me..
he has add.. he has an out.. he doesn't have to deal with anything at all.
just like with his son.
he goes to work, i parent, i do everything else, we use my brain.. like it's always been.
i've been told by professionals he's sicker than i am.. and that's saying something..
but em, if you think i'm wrong, and maybe wrong about licia too, then i must be wrong about everybody, even the space aliens..
that would mean it is all me.
that would mean i am crazy.


Wouldn't it be nice if I knew what was right and what was wrong. Sometimes we each can see a perspective the other can't - be it right or wrong - I have no idea. And if you are crazy then so am I because you make more sense to me than anyone else.

In all this darkness and blood there is such warmth. You bruise and break so easily. And it stings and sizzles when you are ignored. You become invisible and your feelings become insignificant and superfluous. I feel these things. And as I implode, there is still this rebel voice that sceams "I am right! I know what is important! These feelings, this way that I am is ME, my humanity, my best part and you are CRUSHING IT!!!You are the dead and I am the living!"

I'm sorry you are being punished and that you are so hurt. I want you to make that appointment Ghost. I want you to take care of yourself. You are my friend and mean a great deal to me.

So now, I will take us both on a ride. Put a slicker on, we are probably going to get drenched!


We did get drenched :)


Hi ghost,
How are you? I am fine.


twilight zone in the snowcave.. we all just go back to going through the motions.. nothing is ever resolved.. hell, what is there to resolve? nothing happened, right?
i'd believe it was true except for the sting of fresh cuts.
keep on riding, em..
i wish i cared about things like riding my bike enough to do something about it..
probably someday..?


Well, if you can't resolve it there, maybe you can resolve it (a little bit?) here. I'm glad you responded.

You will care enough eventually Ghost, to do ordinary fun things like ride the red racer. You were almost there. You've come a long way, but we always stumble. So, keep looking forward and be patient with yourself.

I want so much to help you soothe the sting. I hope you are alright, taking care of those cuts. I wish you wouldn't do that. I know you don't want me to say that, but how can I not? You, Toxic, and X are on my mind.


thanks, em.. i wish i could resolve things somehow.. because it's this invalidation and going along silently furious that cause the si.. and you keep saying whatever you want, ok? my hubby will only try to say what he thinks i want him to say.. that about kills me every time.. especially when it's about my ed.. imagine sitting there literally green in the face sick and anorexic testing him only to have my ed mirrored back to me by someone who is obese?
all i can say is it's exasperating in the extreme..
i'm gonna crawl outta the snowcave & go post at the board.. a rant maybe?


i love the new pic!
my son & i are always having these conversations about time & space & infinity... so it reminds me... my son brings up the concept of how insignificant we are.. our universe is like the snowflakes falling in a snowglobe on god's mantlepiece.. but is he this to some higher being, and is this a circular infinite loop? where in fact no one soul is more or less than any other?? einstein discovered only light is the constant, like god.. that mass and energy are the same thing! and that time is malleable.. i love that.


oh, well, if you want to talk fun, how about resolving oblers paradox? Why is the sky dark? See this is complicated because since the sky is dark it means that the universe is not infinite. It it were, then everywhere you look, eventually, your eye would rest on a star, and so the sky would be all light, with no darkness. So the universe has a finite age. Oh, yeah and it is expanding. But the best part of expansion is that our position never changes relative to other objects - rather the space in between is expanding. Like two dots on deflated balloon. The dots dont move when you blow up the balloon, just the space between them gets bigger. Oh, there is more, but thats a start :)


Diggin the radiohead...
National Anthem.

If you feel jazzy, check out Mike Holober and the Gotham Jazz Orchestra (my brother in law) or Israeli Warplane (my nephew).

I just noticed that on itunes there is ONE song by The Little Wilson Band who I grew up with here in Huntington and they played at my wedding. Those boys are my growin' uphood. The one song gives you a pretty good idea.

I'm enjoying THe Clock too!


about the universe, did you mean finite age or finite edge?

i used to have such a fear of the sky at night.. i'm only comfortable up to the clouds...

i'll have to look on itunes for those bands!

my brother's a drummer in a rock band called the la barflys.. i used to have a link to their website at gumbyland.. but their site went down i think...

p.s. since you like those two i added in 'and it rained all night' kinda similar... the one 'skip divided' is the one i mentioned sounds like the caterpillar toking on his hookah sittin' on his mushroom all through that song.. (thom yorke has it bad for someone!)


we took dan with us to see radiohead at the hollywood bowl back in 2000 when he was 12.. it was awesome..
of course we were in this huge cloud of potsmoke... kept tellin' him to just not breathe...


I wrote "not infinite". So I am saying that the universe is finite. Its part of the big bang theory. If we started from a center and expanded outward, you can't go any faster outward than the speed of light. So roughly 15-20 billion years ago, we went BANG and have been expanding at the speed of light ever since. That means that any light there might have been prior to that time (meaning anything that might be older than the universe) we would not be able to see because it's light would have passed before our universe existed. Crazy. So you want to ask "what is beyond the edge". But in cosmology, one of the fundamental principles is that there is no edge: anywhere you are is like the center. Cosmology is so hard to understand. You need a Steven Hawking brain. I've never even been able to get thru that one book he wrote for idiots :)


i have that 'in a nutshell' book, but i also have not tackled
i would like an automated robot voice like stephen hawking though...

fixed my film link!
plus i added a link down on the left where if you click on toxic it goes to a random excerpt from my book!
last night when my hubby tried to kiss me goodnight i shook my head and we ended up hashing this whole thing out (for the millionth time).. who knows if it will ever help, but at least i feel a little better now...

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