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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
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  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
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Beloved sleep
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remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
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this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
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is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
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home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

« ghostwriter... | Main | ground z e r o »

September 26, 2006


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No! You are a ghost. You can't be both. You must choose one. OK, I'll choose for you - yer a GHOST!!!!!!! Boo!


And you have to erase my drawing and put something else up. If not, I'll never get to my next drawing.


Well, I just finally read the lyrics. I like them a lot. I recognize some of your sentiments there. I've been wondering if I should give up trying to be "fixed". Some things I just can't change my mind about and I just keep running into the same wall.


i don't have the heart to wipe out the giant squid, he's the best pic yet..

i'm kinda depressed.. looking over the new d. siegel book 'the developing mind' and just feeling like all this analytical b.s. is just so dehumanizing... (i'm sure the book is good.. it's not the book's fault) i just hate when i have to switch my brain out of my own authentic feelings and look objectively at myself like a pathetic quivering little ameoba in a petrie dish.. like i'm sick of clinical nonsense right now..
all i know is i fucking ACHE and it should matter.. it should matter..
and you know.. it's a human thing, not just out of whack brain chemistry..
aw man...
i hate the whole world.. (except for em & my kitties & guys & poor pete.. other online folks..)
i just feel like bashing in something.
like my skull..
i dunno...
and the killer.. i still miss my old therapist that i decided was a fake plastic prozactive fukking pod person... i just wish there was actually something more there than my well paid for portion of unconditional positive regard..
fuck you licia, wherever you are in the universe.. just because.
why didn't i find out about ad before i left.. no, before i started therapy?
would it have even mattered?


Vampyrism. I dated a guy that was.. into that? I don't know if someone can be INTO it, or if it is a lifestyle. Like are you INTO it or ARE you IT? Anyway. Doesnt matter.

What completely fucking sucks is how miserable you seem to be right now. And.. To avoid being desperately and annoyingly optimistic and hopeful (cough, breezy, cough) I'll end this shit here and wish you the best and hope you feel better soon.

E-mail if you need anything.

I'm e-mailing jokes your way, maybe they'll make you feel better.

Toodles hon.


thanks, amby.. there's some more good ones in that email..
so far i am only a vampyre in oblivion (xbox360)..
i'm in a dark place so right now i'm going to enjoy it..
i have a minion that will keep a 'feeder' penned and asleep for me now...
plus there's a certain homeless lady i'm terrorizing in her sleep..
thank goodness for my little outlets.. now..
i need to go kill someone.

awwwww... the giant squid's gone!


ok, em.. knock out the count!


That ache...what happens when we no longer ache? Maybe we are the last of a dying breed of humanity - the people who still posses and are aware of "the ache". I don't really want the ache to go away, so much as I want to know its other side. I want them both.

Ghost, I am going to frame your little tirade on "licia" (yay, she has a name). I'm gonna put it in a hallmark card and give it to K. I would like to take unconditional positive regard and weave a rope of it, tie it around their necks and slowly twist it. Sometimes I wonder if therapy isn't the single greatest perversion of modern existence. Therapists allow, no, encourage you to love them as wholely as you are capable. That is the sex they sell and you are the john.

Geez, that was awful! Guess I'm in a pretty bad mood too.

I'm sorry you are hurtin today. Ghost, I guess you loved Licia. I know what that is like. They say they will never leave you, but they do. Eventually, they get you to where you must leave "the frame". And because they will not break the frame, technically YOU left. Its a sneaky little fuck job. Oops, there goes my anger again :)

Would you ever contact her?

Also, yer killin me with the vampire! How am I ever going to top THAT! Ohhhhh, but soon I'm gonna try :)


i know what you mean, em.. all i've ever really wanted was just a little bit of what i need.. i can streetttccchh it out.... i don't expect the ache to ever not be a part of me.. i'm ok with that even..

my interest in school was art, english & psych.. in other circumstances i would've pursued a career in the psychology field, i'm glad i didn't.. i find the 'frame' you mention to be unethical in a way that only we guinea pigs truly understand..
i thought licia was my older & wiser long lost sister somehow.. and she was smart.. but what the fuck do you know.. i was still smarter than she was in ways.. and i resented being put in the position of having to explain myself over & over to no avail...
now all this time later i am just pissed off at her..
toward the end, i gave up trying to be good enough and tried to make her hate me.. may have succeeded..?
from now on anyone who tries to put me in a fucking box is going to get me visiting them in their nightmares.. drinking their blood...
for awhile i didn't think i'd live a hell of alot longer.. but i planned on haunting people i knew.. i could see myself being the kind of ghost that scratches people...


having a 'professional' who's ill equipped to treat your disease, but is willing to drain your funds trying, lying to you the whole way.. it's like pushing heroin to help some poor methadone addict..
i just can't help but point out the true vampires today...


hey em, now my pic on 'circling the drain' down near the bottom of the blog probably makes more sense?


You break my heart sometimes Ghost. Yes, it makes much more sense now. But don't forget the ones who do love you and want you near. And for me, becoming friends has been a joy, a relief and an adventure. Hope you stick around :) (and please for godsake never haunt me. you know I'm a chicken)

Thank you for the "unethical" remark. It is frustrating to feel you know something but cannot articulate it - but you see it too. I believe I am trying to get K to hate me - hate me so I am free to hate her. But as it stands, I love her very much. Its a bad state.


You know what? What IS bothering you today? I mean something hit you hard. What was it? What was in that book? Or was it something else...


yeah, it was just diving back into another book for 'answers'.. that and it's around the time of our one year now in oregon, so with fall beginning it feels like when we first left california & came up here...
em, you are super fun, and it means so much to know there is one person out there who i feel like really gets this stuff.. from the inside out.. we are buds now, right?
i'm a softie despite the way people see me, i love people easily, i did love licia, (how much i was able to know her), cared about her & what she thought so much.. and problem is, i don't know how to unlove people once i do.. even my alien parents, so it's so hard to get to a rightful point where i must get angry that i've been betrayed.. then i'm still quite reasonable and able to forgive.. so..
no fears, i'm a friendly ghost 99% of the time..
but it's true, i have this resevoire of black pain that makes me someone that would/could haunt and terrorize.. when someone really deserves it.
p.s. i will make a point here where it's secret..
persevere brought up bina..
i think she is an unstable type (bina) one of those who will get her license and not treat her clients with the consideration due them.. but they won't know that till it's too late..
just my opinion..


We are most definitely friends! You made me very happy with what you wrote, thank you Ghost :)

Jesus, you say so many things that are right on the money - not knowing how to unlove people. I cannot unlove M. The same will be true (if it ever comes to it) with K. And I know almost instantly who the people are that I will be devoted to like this. My parents have slipped thru the cracks I fear (or maybe I don't fear!). M will be married this month, so I hear. Can't explain how much that hurts, to be left out. Crap, to be hated.

Here is the really difficult part: given everything we talked about yesterday - our general mistrust about therapy, do you feel sure you were betrayed by licia? Betrayed is a big word. Isn't part of the agony that you cannot be sure? The ache is both the hope and the fear?

About the other site, yeah, my stomach tightened when Persevere wrote that. I understand where she is comming from, but I don't want to go. Its not just bina (and I get what you are saying - it got so weird at the end). Its also the fact of an endless stream of people that you do not know comming in and it almost requires that you start all over - build relationships that may or may not last with people who may or may not be...what's the right word? I'll just say "safe".

Yeah, right...I should have gotten it. It's your anniversary. It's the anniversary of many things for you. This last year was a big year of changes for you. I'm proud you've made it thru so well. You are a good ghost. And scarey as a mutha!!! :)


everyone makes misjudgments, but i think we should keep looking for the kind ones who need support, but also are fun.. and invite them over.. hard to tell who when we don't look around elsewhere, maybe virginia knows some? just like the tried & true ones?

what you said is so true.. how do you know if you just feel betrayed/hurt or if someone actually did it to you.. i mean i go back & forth (like with others) giving her the benefit of my doubt, then thinking NO! there's something wrong here!! you know?
since i have such trouble trusting my own judgment due to my parents' brainwashing... that's why i don't risk acting in anger/confronting.. that doubt..
but it was so painful, there's no question about that.. and i have to notice how much better i'm doing now compared to then..
thanx for bein' proud of me! i'm impressed by you because you are braver than me.. (and you call yourself chicken..)
geez, it's just that i'm phobic about food & germs, not ghosts & blood..
well, i have another stupid headache, but we're gonna make a nice weekend!
you do the same, em!


Toxic and scout explore the valley.


Oh balls! My drawing didn't save!!!! WTF? Do I have to hit "play" first?


Now I'm gonna cry. I just spent an hour doing this and it deleted my drawing again. I give UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Oh, wow. Sorry. figures the curse makes it to the drawing pad. It was not there when I left. The vampire was there. I'm lost all of a sudden with this. What am I doing wrong? I don't want to leave that up. I had something really happy up there.


i think when you're done you should like save it twice.. but then i've found that it takes a few minutes to load up and refresh, so it seems like it's not there, but then it appears suddenly...
that's what mine did...
all i see is an x now...

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a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
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  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
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