snowball in hell

day 11?

ok, so at least i have made it to day 11..
not out of the woods.. but it's something?

this is the toxic little sunday school dropout i have mentioned does much of the artwork around here:

.

..

...

(careful, she does bite!)

...

more thom yorke:

cymbal rush

try to save it but it doesn't come off the rock
try to build a wall that is high enough

it's all boiling over
all boiling over..

try to save your house
try to save your songs
try to run
but it follows you up a hill

it's all boiling over
all boiling over
your little voice
your little voice..

no more conversation
no conversation
you should have took me out when you had the chance
you should have took me out when you had the chance..

all the rooms were numbered
and the losers turned away
don't turn away
don't turn away..

and more opeth:

blank face in the windowpane
made clear in seconds of light
disappears and returns again
counting hours.. searching the night
might be waiting for someone
might be there for us to see
might be in need of talking
might be staring directly at me
inside plays a lullaby
slurred voice over children's cries
..on the inside

haunting loneliness in the eye
skin covering secret scars
his hand is waving a goodbye
there's no response or action returned...

climbing back out...?

here we go again:
days no s.i. - 3    days no alcohol - 330
good news for me is i've lost a couple lbs. so i feel better...

bina bear (sabina) has started a message board here:
attachment board

atoms for peace

no more going to the dark side with your flying saucer eyes..
no more falling down a wormhole that i have to pull you out..
the wriggling, squiggling worm inside
devours from the inside out..
no more talk about the old days
it's time for something great
i want you to get out
and make it work
so many allies
so many allies
so many allies
so feel the love come off of them
and take me in your arms..

peel all of your layers off
i want to eat your artichoke heart
no more leaky holes in your brain
and no false starts
i wanna get out
and make it work
so many allies
so many allies
so many allies
so feel the love come off of them
and take me in your arms
i wanna get out
and make it work
i want you to get out
and make it work

it'll be ok..

-thom yorke
p.s. an excellent interpretation of this song's possible message:
atoms for peace

ghost

update:
2 new installations in sg #2!!
it's my 9th day & i'm depressed..
thoughts again of self-injury...
still battling the eating disorder dilemma,
over the weekend nearly made myself pass out
out in the heat, hadn't eaten/drank enough??
i really appreciate my new friends and don't
want to disappoint anyone..
but i can't help being the way i am i guess..
nothing touches what's most wrong..

this is from opeth: closure
heal myself.. a feather on my heart
look inside.. there never was a start
peel myself.. dispose of severed skin
all subsides.. around me and within
there's nothing painful in this
there's no upheaval
redemption for my pathos
all sins undone
awaiting word on what's to come
in helpless prayers a hope lives on
'cause i've come clean i've forgotten what i promised
in the rays of the sun
i am longing for the darkness...
-ghost

p.s. this place is not unlike the winchester mystery house..
i can't seem to stop adding windows to walls.. and stairways and doorways to nowhere...

back to zero..

think i'll stay down here at zero.. it's nicer
209th day..
just another meaningless number anyway..
today i cut 20 or 25 times..
had an arrythmia while i was doing it
but it's safer now actually at this weight 'cause my skin's not so thin on my arms.. that's next.. get rid of this sickening fat.. i let them erase me..
i helped..
not anymore.
who knows maybe one of these days i'll just pour myself a nice tall smirnoff & oj..
one thing i know for certain is that 5 good sized screwdrivers solves everything.

daily smith/king's crossing
the king's crossing was the main attraction
dominoes falling in a chain reaction
scraping subject ruled by fear told me
whiskey works better than beer..
the judge is on vinyl.. decisions are final
and nobody gets a reprieve
and every wave is tidal
if you hang around you're going to get wet

i can't prepare for death any more than i already have..

all you can do now is watch the shells
the game looks easy
that's why it sells
frustrated fireworks inside your head
are gonna stand and deliver ..dark instead
the method actor that pays my bills
keeps a fat man feeding in beverly hills
i got a heavy metal mouth
it hurls obscenity
and i get my check
from the trash treasury
because i took my own insides out..

it don't matter cause i have no sex life
and all i wanna do now is inject my ex wife
i've seen the movie
and i know what happens..
it's christmas time
and the needle's on the tree
a skinny santa is bringing something to me
his voice is overwhelming
but his speech is slurred
and i only understand every other word..

open your parachute and grab your gun
float down like an omen.. a setting sun
read the part and return at five
it's a hell of a role
if you can keep it alive..
but i don't care if i fuck up
i'm going on a date
with a rich white lady
ain't life great?
give me one good reason not to do it..
(because i love you?)
so do it.

this is the place where time reverses
and dead men talk to all the pretty nurses
instruments shine on a silver tray
don't let me get carried away..
don't let me get carried away..
don't let me be carried away...
-ghost

p.s. santa claus was a drunk.

people

being around them only hurts..
idiot.     i never learn...

here if you want me..

dancing on the highway

here if you want me
listening so close from far away
i memorized what you told me
like a foreigner on holiday
i know to smile at confusion
and not forget the soul that smiles on me
dancing on the highway
the broken line that led from you to me
well, i'll be at my station all night
so come on by if you feel like

still here if you want me
look at what i can do with empty time
a lost love that likes to haunt me
it's waiting around to meet me when i die
death surrounds.. protects the living
this is what you said and i agreed
not to be unforgiving
just because your soul is untimely free
cause i'm here if you want me, my love
dancing on the highway

but your sun still burns my eye
oh why?
oh why?

i found some rare elliott smith downloads today..
that made me cry..
it made my lonely day...

stained glass eyes

people sink your boat
when you cut a tragic figure
they drink their lemonade
and throw you a line..
boil your problem down
to yes and no, what’s the matter?
they bomb your promenade
and this makes it shine
so you must play the comic
if they want one
and describe their moment
when they’re in one..

people pass you by
passing up the chance to know you
they're irregular
in the usual way..
you should crack a smile
once in a while, it makes you pretty
it makes you wanna give
them a piece of your mind..

but they can’t be people
not if i’m one
if i have to be like them
i’d rather be no one

couldn’t make the scene
not with all the people looking
all these connoisseurs
on guard all the time..
rather spend the day
blank as hell by the window
looking out of my
stained glass eyes...

friendlyghost