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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is he except a being without access to the universe that he has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
In limbo
rows of never opened doors:
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2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)


ghost toy catalogue

  • spookytown
    an inventory of toys & collectibles vintage & new including toxic's toys, toxic's library & halloweeniana..

    ~ copyright 2011 all rights reserved
Cherrytreemoon
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Scandalous
family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
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a POEtry reading...

elliott smith & portland

Pdx
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
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the library..

Thingsbehindthesun
things behind the sun (journals)
Razorblades
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
www.flickr.com
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
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Brenkitty
toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
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Enter
halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..


  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    NEW ELDER SCROLLS!!
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

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« people | Main | climbing back out...? »

August 19, 2006

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Emma

Please Ghost STOP! I did not see that post over the weekend because I hyper=linked to the comments page which brought me past your post. You must think I did not care. Please Ghost, don't hurt yourself anymore. Please don't drink. Talk to me. What is happening?

Emma

Hey Ghost,
I am at school now, but I wanted to check in. How are you? Wish you would reply today.
Em

friendlyghost

em,
don't worry about me, k?
i'm ok
ghost

friendlyghost

hey.. i just got an email from bina.. please you guys don't worry about me! my problems are nothing new.. my 'inner child' is just back again.. (she's one toxic little sunday school dropout.. but she's mine..)
sorry if it is freakish, no one really understands how the cutting is really a blessing at times..
i'm still sober..
i'm gonna try real hard not to even go there...
i'll be fine..
thanks for caring and coming around!
ghost

Emma

Well,...alright, I guess. You sound ok..."toxic little sunday school dropout" :) I did freak a little. Sorry.

friendlyghost

em,
i went & checked pms at rad, they deleted some of my posts.. talked to bina & alone, so many are just leaving... what a fucked up forum.. why don't they just make it a private forum so new people don't walk blindly into all that thinking it's a support forum like any other?
me & hubby are ok, just like nothing happened, that's my surreal little world...
guess it's what i'm used to?
sorry you had to come by to visit at such a bad time, sometimes it's fun here... did you see the dancing kitty?
much luv, ghost

Virginia (Peservere)

Hi Friendly Ghost,

I agree, they have major problems on the forum. They need to learn how to communicate and how to confront without hurting others. I was worried about you too and sent you a pm but you never responded so had to come here to see how you were doing. Take good care of yourself. You have people that care about you. Hey, here's something to remind you of that. I am trying to be creative just for you!


TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING
THROUGH THE DESERT.
DURING SOME POINT OF THE
JOURNEY THEY HAD AN
ARGUMENT AND ONE FRIEND
SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE
IN THE FACE.
THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED
WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT
SAYING ANYTHING,
WROTE IN THE SAND:
TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.
THEY KEPT ON WALKING,
UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS,
WHERE THEY DECIDED
TO TAKE A BATH.
THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN
SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE
MIRE AND STARTED DROWNING,
BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.
AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM
THE NEAR DROWNING,
HE WROTE ON A STONE:
TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SAVED MY LIFE.
THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED
AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND
ASKED HIM, "AFTER I HURT YOU,
YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW,
YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?"
THE OTHER FRIEND REPLIED
"WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US
WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN
IN SAND WHERE WINDS OF
FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.
BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES
SOMETHING GOOD FOR US,
WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE
WHERE NO WIND
CAN EVER ERASE IT."
LEARN TO WRITE
YOUR HURTS IN
THE SAND AND TO
CARVE YOUR
BENEFITS IN STONE.

Virginia (Peservere)

Friendly Ghost,

Forgot to mention, they deleted many people's posts. There is major chopping going on there right now.

Virginia

FG,

I want you to know that I wasn't criticizing anything you said when I was talking about the fourm dynamics. I was defending the way things were being done when you were there! I was worried you would take it the wrong way.

friendlyghost

virginia,
thank you, it's a good poem. i'm ok. ijust need major shutting up lessons i think.
ghost

Virginia

Nah,

You need to talk rather than bottle everything up inside and then cut yourself. What you did was right.

Emma

Hey,
Yeah, I stop by the site and there is still bad vibes going 'round. Really stupid. Not my problem. As far as I am concerned, I learned a lot and met a couple cool people.

I don't feel like I came around at a bad time, as long as you don't. I dig this site and think it is a shit load of fun. Yeah, I saw the Kitty and laughed because we bought a tu tu (sp?) for one of our cats. She immediately grew out of it, and now, for some reason, it hangs on the wall in my livingroom. The kitty pic that is THE BEST is the one of the baby passed out over the food plate. Did that really happen? It breaks my heart every time I look at it. It just don't get cuter than that :)

Hey I thought Persevere's poem was excellent! I'm for that all the way. Ever since you started the whole "creative" thing at the other site, I was all bummed out because I am not creative and that sucks. Then, I remembered that last summer I did write a poem. So, I'm going to try to find it and post it.

Hey, don't get too down on the way you and your husband are - you know, there is a lot to be said for just sticking it out together. On the other hand, you can always start to try to change if you want. I know people generally resist change, but I like it. It's actually one of the things I am good at. I'm always interested in what's around the corner. Oh, yeah, but...it was curiousity that killed the cat wasn't it.
Best,
EM

friendlyghost

thank you guys for visiting the blog, usually it ends up just being poems and elliott smith lyrics..
trying to stay safe and not self-destruct.. i just try to lose myself in a videogame.. pirates on ps2 right now.. i can't go back to my si support site 'cause they're still congratulating me on my si birthday... ug. i don't have the heart..
thank goodness for kitties.. they are god's perfect creation i think..
well, except when they pee on stuff...
ghost

Virginia

I saw the latest Pirates movie. It was really good. Johnny Depp is definitely hot. Did you know that my husband works with Disney? He helps them make movies. Mostly he helps them with their 3D movies. They really need help. Chicken Little wasn't that good. His company (called Autodesk but was formerly called Alias or Alias Wavefront) makes the software (called Maya) that movie companies use to make their special effects and 3D effects. They even won an Oscar a few years ago for technical acheivement. Have you ever heard of Maya? I guess most people don't unless you are an artist in the 3D community making movies and video games. Before he worked with Disney he worked with Dreamworks making the Shrek movies, Sharktail, Over the Hedge, Flushed Away (which will come out soon) He also worked with Electronic Arts making their videogames. I want to tell you more but I'm going on vacation tomorrow for two weeks. Don't think I am abadoning you. I would love to stay and talk. I will try to get some internet connection when I am away.

Take care,

Virginia

Virginia

Disney just recently purchased Pixar and Pixar makes good movies. I heard that they are telling Disney how to make good movies now. They are revising the current movies they are working on to make their better. They were weak in some areas. Pixar movies rock. They have a good plot, good animation and also tell good morals.

Virginia

FG,

You would make a good artist in the movie industry or the video game industry. Long hours though. Sometimes I think they make them work too hard. There are a lot of artists we know in the industry because some of them started off at Alias or Alias Wavefront.

Virginia

FG,

Have you ever tried SAM-e or S-adenosylmethionine? It really calms me down. Its good for anxiety and depression. I have had to take some too just because of what happened on the board. You can get it in the drug stores. Nature Made makes the best quality of it. I buy it when it is 2 for 1. SAM-e is naturally produced in our body. We just don't have enough of it due to our trauma. It converts in serotinine and another neurotransmitter, the name escapes me right now. But if you do take it, take it with lots of B vitamins.

Virginia

FG,

For my heart, I take Hawthorn berries and CoQ10. You can also buy them in the drug store. They work great.

friendlyghost

virginia,
actually i'm slightly familiar with maya, when we lived in s. california my husband worked many years at a co. that made those giant video screens/enclosures/videowalls, and i was always hearing about stuff in the industry.. funny, i mentioned somewhere, my sister used to work at disney, tried to get me to show my art to an agent there, i just didn't think i was very disney.. lol! and i was chicken..
ghost

friendlyghost

p.s. i'm so phobic about meds and foods and stuff i take in, i've never even tried 'natural' stuff.. i'm b vitamin anemic, you mentioned taking b vits with that?
anyway, have a good vacation.. and we'll talk more, i hope you didn't think i wasn't interested before in the forum, i just felt like i musta been saying too much after that one comment, that was all...
ghost

Emma

Hey,
I was looking at your movies. You like Hichcock I see. I was waiting to see if Eraserhead would show up. Yep, 120. Where is Harold and Maude? Oops, I see it now, 46. Apocolyspe Now ("...the horror, the horror...")? Oh, wait, got it -127, right next to Napoleon Dynamite which we just watched this summer.
What about Nosferatu? I never saw it, but we were talking about it last night and all agreed we are too chicken to watch it because we have never made it thru the movie with Wilem Defoe and John Malcovich (can't remember the name) which is about the making of Nosferatu, I believe. My husband and I have tried twice, but I ended up in hysterics I was so scared and we had to turn it off. I want to try again though. You have so many movies that I love that were a surprise on your list like Defending your life. How funny was that! Lost weekend - UGH, heavy. What about that movie with Jack Nicholsen where it is set in Albany in the depression. He lives on the street, had been married, but dropped his baby son and killed him and never could get over it. Was it Barfly? He is haunted by the baby and another guy he killed (nathan lane). I think his girlfriend in the movie was played by Merly streep. I might be blending two different movies, maybe. I love movies. Studied them in college. I even interned on a Indie film. That's what I should have done for a living! Damn it!

I just saw Sybil on TV recently. Of course, I fell in love with Joanne Woodward :)

But the one I wish were true the most is Brainstorm. I would go to my therapists office and plug her in and say "This is how I feel about you. Now what are you going to do with me :)"

What about Bladerunner. Oh, I could do this forever! I'm gonna think some more and write back. Lucky you :)

Virginia

see you FG.sorry can't talk more. our flight leaves at one.

friendlyghost

em,
was that one called 'grifters'? yeah, i'm afraid my movie list could have gone right off the bottom of the page if i didn't stop where i did.. hehe
i love joanne woodward, especially in 'the effect of gamma rays'.. i even had a rabbit named matilda..
yeah, bladerunner was good!
i love nosferatu, (saw the malkovich/max shrek one too)ooh.. i made a nosferatu jack-o-lantern one halloween!!
ghost

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lost & found toys

Around the bend album main
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a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

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  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
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Danradpic
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