back to zero..

think i'll stay down here at zero.. it's nicer
209th day..
just another meaningless number anyway..
today i cut 20 or 25 times..
had an arrythmia while i was doing it
but it's safer now actually at this weight 'cause my skin's not so thin on my arms.. that's next.. get rid of this sickening fat.. i let them erase me..
i helped..
not anymore.
who knows maybe one of these days i'll just pour myself a nice tall smirnoff & oj..
one thing i know for certain is that 5 good sized screwdrivers solves everything.

daily smith/king's crossing
the king's crossing was the main attraction
dominoes falling in a chain reaction
scraping subject ruled by fear told me
whiskey works better than beer..
the judge is on vinyl.. decisions are final
and nobody gets a reprieve
and every wave is tidal
if you hang around you're going to get wet

i can't prepare for death any more than i already have..

all you can do now is watch the shells
the game looks easy
that's why it sells
frustrated fireworks inside your head
are gonna stand and deliver ..dark instead
the method actor that pays my bills
keeps a fat man feeding in beverly hills
i got a heavy metal mouth
it hurls obscenity
and i get my check
from the trash treasury
because i took my own insides out..

it don't matter cause i have no sex life
and all i wanna do now is inject my ex wife
i've seen the movie
and i know what happens..
it's christmas time
and the needle's on the tree
a skinny santa is bringing something to me
his voice is overwhelming
but his speech is slurred
and i only understand every other word..

open your parachute and grab your gun
float down like an omen.. a setting sun
read the part and return at five
it's a hell of a role
if you can keep it alive..
but i don't care if i fuck up
i'm going on a date
with a rich white lady
ain't life great?
give me one good reason not to do it..
(because i love you?)
so do it.

this is the place where time reverses
and dead men talk to all the pretty nurses
instruments shine on a silver tray
don't let me get carried away..
don't let me get carried away..
don't let me be carried away...
-ghost

p.s. santa claus was a drunk.

Comments

[Emma]

Please Ghost STOP! I did not see that post over the weekend because I hyper=linked to the comments page which brought me past your post. You must think I did not care. Please Ghost, don't hurt yourself anymore. Please don't drink. Talk to me. What is happening?

[Emma]

Hey Ghost,
I am at school now, but I wanted to check in. How are you? Wish you would reply today.
Em

[friendlyghost]

em,
don't worry about me, k?
i'm ok
ghost

[friendlyghost]

hey.. i just got an email from bina.. please you guys don't worry about me! my problems are nothing new.. my 'inner child' is just back again.. (she's one toxic little sunday school dropout.. but she's mine..)
sorry if it is freakish, no one really understands how the cutting is really a blessing at times..
i'm still sober..
i'm gonna try real hard not to even go there...
i'll be fine..
thanks for caring and coming around!
ghost

[Emma]

Well,...alright, I guess. You sound ok..."toxic little sunday school dropout" :) I did freak a little. Sorry.

[friendlyghost]

em,
i went & checked pms at rad, they deleted some of my posts.. talked to bina & alone, so many are just leaving... what a fucked up forum.. why don't they just make it a private forum so new people don't walk blindly into all that thinking it's a support forum like any other?
me & hubby are ok, just like nothing happened, that's my surreal little world...
guess it's what i'm used to?
sorry you had to come by to visit at such a bad time, sometimes it's fun here... did you see the dancing kitty?
much luv, ghost

[Virginia (Peservere)]

Hi Friendly Ghost,

I agree, they have major problems on the forum. They need to learn how to communicate and how to confront without hurting others. I was worried about you too and sent you a pm but you never responded so had to come here to see how you were doing. Take good care of yourself. You have people that care about you. Hey, here's something to remind you of that. I am trying to be creative just for you!

TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING
THROUGH THE DESERT.
DURING SOME POINT OF THE
JOURNEY THEY HAD AN
ARGUMENT AND ONE FRIEND
SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE
IN THE FACE.
THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED
WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT
SAYING ANYTHING,
WROTE IN THE SAND:
TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.
THEY KEPT ON WALKING,
UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS,
WHERE THEY DECIDED
TO TAKE A BATH.
THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN
SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE
MIRE AND STARTED DROWNING,
BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.
AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM
THE NEAR DROWNING,
HE WROTE ON A STONE:
TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SAVED MY LIFE.
THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED
AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND
ASKED HIM, "AFTER I HURT YOU,
YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW,
YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?"
THE OTHER FRIEND REPLIED
"WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US
WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN
IN SAND WHERE WINDS OF
FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.
BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES
SOMETHING GOOD FOR US,
WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE
WHERE NO WIND
CAN EVER ERASE IT."
LEARN TO WRITE
YOUR HURTS IN
THE SAND AND TO
CARVE YOUR
BENEFITS IN STONE.

[Virginia (Peservere)]

Friendly Ghost,

Forgot to mention, they deleted many people's posts. There is major chopping going on there right now.

[Virginia]

FG,

I want you to know that I wasn't criticizing anything you said when I was talking about the fourm dynamics. I was defending the way things were being done when you were there! I was worried you would take it the wrong way.

[friendlyghost]

virginia,
thank you, it's a good poem. i'm ok. ijust need major shutting up lessons i think.
ghost

[Virginia]

Nah,

You need to talk rather than bottle everything up inside and then cut yourself. What you did was right.

[Emma]

Hey,
Yeah, I stop by the site and there is still bad vibes going 'round. Really stupid. Not my problem. As far as I am concerned, I learned a lot and met a couple cool people.

I don't feel like I came around at a bad time, as long as you don't. I dig this site and think it is a shit load of fun. Yeah, I saw the Kitty and laughed because we bought a tu tu (sp?) for one of our cats. She immediately grew out of it, and now, for some reason, it hangs on the wall in my livingroom. The kitty pic that is THE BEST is the one of the baby passed out over the food plate. Did that really happen? It breaks my heart every time I look at it. It just don't get cuter than that :)

Hey I thought Persevere's poem was excellent! I'm for that all the way. Ever since you started the whole "creative" thing at the other site, I was all bummed out because I am not creative and that sucks. Then, I remembered that last summer I did write a poem. So, I'm going to try to find it and post it.

Hey, don't get too down on the way you and your husband are - you know, there is a lot to be said for just sticking it out together. On the other hand, you can always start to try to change if you want. I know people generally resist change, but I like it. It's actually one of the things I am good at. I'm always interested in what's around the corner. Oh, yeah, but...it was curiousity that killed the cat wasn't it.
Best,
EM

[friendlyghost]

thank you guys for visiting the blog, usually it ends up just being poems and elliott smith lyrics..
trying to stay safe and not self-destruct.. i just try to lose myself in a videogame.. pirates on ps2 right now.. i can't go back to my si support site 'cause they're still congratulating me on my si birthday... ug. i don't have the heart..
thank goodness for kitties.. they are god's perfect creation i think..
well, except when they pee on stuff...
ghost

[Virginia]

I saw the latest Pirates movie. It was really good. Johnny Depp is definitely hot. Did you know that my husband works with Disney? He helps them make movies. Mostly he helps them with their 3D movies. They really need help. Chicken Little wasn't that good. His company (called Autodesk but was formerly called Alias or Alias Wavefront) makes the software (called Maya) that movie companies use to make their special effects and 3D effects. They even won an Oscar a few years ago for technical acheivement. Have you ever heard of Maya? I guess most people don't unless you are an artist in the 3D community making movies and video games. Before he worked with Disney he worked with Dreamworks making the Shrek movies, Sharktail, Over the Hedge, Flushed Away (which will come out soon) He also worked with Electronic Arts making their videogames. I want to tell you more but I'm going on vacation tomorrow for two weeks. Don't think I am abadoning you. I would love to stay and talk. I will try to get some internet connection when I am away.

Take care,

Virginia

[Virginia]

Disney just recently purchased Pixar and Pixar makes good movies. I heard that they are telling Disney how to make good movies now. They are revising the current movies they are working on to make their better. They were weak in some areas. Pixar movies rock. They have a good plot, good animation and also tell good morals.

[Virginia]

FG,

You would make a good artist in the movie industry or the video game industry. Long hours though. Sometimes I think they make them work too hard. There are a lot of artists we know in the industry because some of them started off at Alias or Alias Wavefront.

[Virginia]

FG,

Have you ever tried SAM-e or S-adenosylmethionine? It really calms me down. Its good for anxiety and depression. I have had to take some too just because of what happened on the board. You can get it in the drug stores. Nature Made makes the best quality of it. I buy it when it is 2 for 1. SAM-e is naturally produced in our body. We just don't have enough of it due to our trauma. It converts in serotinine and another neurotransmitter, the name escapes me right now. But if you do take it, take it with lots of B vitamins.

[Virginia]

FG,

For my heart, I take Hawthorn berries and CoQ10. You can also buy them in the drug store. They work great.

[friendlyghost]

virginia,
actually i'm slightly familiar with maya, when we lived in s. california my husband worked many years at a co. that made those giant video screens/enclosures/videowalls, and i was always hearing about stuff in the industry.. funny, i mentioned somewhere, my sister used to work at disney, tried to get me to show my art to an agent there, i just didn't think i was very disney.. lol! and i was chicken..
ghost

[friendlyghost]

p.s. i'm so phobic about meds and foods and stuff i take in, i've never even tried 'natural' stuff.. i'm b vitamin anemic, you mentioned taking b vits with that?
anyway, have a good vacation.. and we'll talk more, i hope you didn't think i wasn't interested before in the forum, i just felt like i musta been saying too much after that one comment, that was all...
ghost

[Emma]

Hey,
I was looking at your movies. You like Hichcock I see. I was waiting to see if Eraserhead would show up. Yep, 120. Where is Harold and Maude? Oops, I see it now, 46. Apocolyspe Now ("...the horror, the horror...")? Oh, wait, got it -127, right next to Napoleon Dynamite which we just watched this summer.
What about Nosferatu? I never saw it, but we were talking about it last night and all agreed we are too chicken to watch it because we have never made it thru the movie with Wilem Defoe and John Malcovich (can't remember the name) which is about the making of Nosferatu, I believe. My husband and I have tried twice, but I ended up in hysterics I was so scared and we had to turn it off. I want to try again though. You have so many movies that I love that were a surprise on your list like Defending your life. How funny was that! Lost weekend - UGH, heavy. What about that movie with Jack Nicholsen where it is set in Albany in the depression. He lives on the street, had been married, but dropped his baby son and killed him and never could get over it. Was it Barfly? He is haunted by the baby and another guy he killed (nathan lane). I think his girlfriend in the movie was played by Merly streep. I might be blending two different movies, maybe. I love movies. Studied them in college. I even interned on a Indie film. That's what I should have done for a living! Damn it!

I just saw Sybil on TV recently. Of course, I fell in love with Joanne Woodward :)

But the one I wish were true the most is Brainstorm. I would go to my therapists office and plug her in and say "This is how I feel about you. Now what are you going to do with me :)"

What about Bladerunner. Oh, I could do this forever! I'm gonna think some more and write back. Lucky you :)

[Virginia]

see you FG.sorry can't talk more. our flight leaves at one.

[friendlyghost]

em,
was that one called 'grifters'? yeah, i'm afraid my movie list could have gone right off the bottom of the page if i didn't stop where i did.. hehe
i love joanne woodward, especially in 'the effect of gamma rays'.. i even had a rabbit named matilda..
yeah, bladerunner was good!
i love nosferatu, (saw the malkovich/max shrek one too)ooh.. i made a nosferatu jack-o-lantern one halloween!!
ghost