it's my birthday today.. i forgot because all i've been thinking about is the cardiologist appt. i had to go to this afternoon. i went. now i just want a dark hole to come and swallow me up and the world to go away for awhile. my bp was low as usual, heartrate high as usual (the nurse said i must be nervous... yeah i was nauseated and having a stomachache all a.m. dreading going..) the scales at the dr are always 5 lbs higher than home undressed, so that always kinda freaks me out, being such a healthy pudgemonster right now.. although the dr said my b.m.i. was low! go figure.. said it's around where marines like to stay or something.. geez.. i'm so tired and out of it.. have had a migraine for 3 or 4 days now.. they did another ekg/ normal, but want to do another echocardiogram and a stress test.. oh god. i'm going to get outta that treadmill test any way i can. i guess my left ventricle problem/fainting could have been brought on my excessive drinking at that time, with my lower weight, anemia, etc.. i'm healthier now and irregular heartbeats have calmed way down.. i don't want anymore medical treatment.. whatever happened to 'an apple fritter a day keeps the dr away'? no more, please.. please.
...
the nurse doing the ekg asked me about the scars on my ribs... choke. i have no clue what to say.. she was nice about it though, turns out she has a niece struggling with 'cutting'..
came home & found a bday card in my mailbox from my mom & dad.
it should be happy, but i am very sad.
i want the whole world to go away now.. but i'm so lonely.
friendlyghost
don't walk the plank like i did
you will be dispensed with
when you've become inconvenient
up on harrowdown hill
there where you used to go to school
that's where i am..
that's where i'm lying down
did i fall or was i pushed?
did i fall or was i pushed?
and where's the blood?
and where's the blood?
-thom yorke
Comments