snowball in hell

now you know...

i get such pretty visions in my head when i stop eating.. food is tasteless nothing. i just feel hunger for something richer.. so i'm into my art again... it tastes just right. i'm living on colors now..

now you know where i've been
as you sleep
  ..torn i am
weighted down
patiently bourne of love
you know.. i'm not dead
i'm just living in my head
     forever waiting
(on the ways of your desire)
found below
the creatures scream
a stranglehold
a god machine
begging to tear us out
worn as hope..
you know i'm not dead
i'm just the tears inside your head
   forever waiting..
forever waiting on cruel death
you know i'm not dead
i'm just living for myself
   forever waiting..
you know i'm not dead
you know..  i'm not dead
you know..    i'm not dead
you know i'm not dead...
sp

latest bellyaches...

you know.. i cheered up for a little bit.. about a day? i know i sound unhappy all the time, but i just can't help it.. there are real factors that cause it.. the other day i went out to clean up my old camper, i've had it almost 20 years.. used to play nes out there.. actually lived in it for awhile when life got that hard.. well it just died.. water musta got in with all the rain we had and it's finally really ruined. rotted wood right through.. irreparable. bye bye old camper... then we got a whopping health insurance bill in the mail, seems we were misquoted the right amount, now we can't afford it and have to go without from july till september.. i've been trying to make dvds of our very cool extensive home movie collection, only to find again that i made the mistake of trusting technology and have lost more precious material, time and money than you could imagine.. nothing has ever worked right since vhs. tiny little spiders hatched in our livingroom, i am phobic of them. it has been 100 degrees here, and i am just such a lonely recluse i can't stand it. i cannot trust anyone. i try to get along with my husband and his a.d.d. and i try to live without family or friends or real help. i try not to cut. i try not to drink. i try not to drive everyone away...

if i could be who you wanted..
if i could be who you wanted..
all the time..
all the time...
radiohead

fuck you...

i don't sleep..
and my husband manages to say and do just so many lame and idiotic things per minute i can't take it.. he seems to be so in his own head and world that i believe he actually thinks everything is revolving all around him somehow.. it drives me fucking nuts. today i had the strongest desire to have a drink.. it really surprised me how strong.. after what.. 9 months now?

friendlyghost

p.s. fuck you...

'everything is exactly right
when i walk around here drunk every night
with an open container from 7/11..
it's st ides heaven..
been out haunting the neighborhood
and everybody can see i'm no good
when i'm walking out between parked cars..
with my head full of stars..
high on amphetamines
the moon is a lightbulb breaking
it'll go around with anyone..
but it won't come down for anyone..
and i won't come down for anyone...'
smith

sickerday...

it's the same day.. i'm just sicker and shakier and feeling out of my mind with grief and frustration and hopelessness and rage.. i feel like i can't live.. i have squeezed every last little bit out of this life that i could to survive but i know i won't make it.. isolation just screws you into a corner. this is an unfriendly world and you can't make it without friends or family.. just for a safe place.. to insulate you some from the preponderance of motherfuckers out there. people just lie. and i have nothing left. my husband is now asking me if i want to try therapy again... oh god...       ..oh god... ..

i'm working on a new installation.. 'toolbox' ..but right now it's empty..
friendlyghost (a*k*a thx1138? just an outlaw wanted for felony drug evasion)

spitting in a wishing well
blown to hell.. crash! @#!*%
i'm the last splash...

sickday

i'm having a sickday.. headache, stomachache and sore arm from my shot..
i'm so glad my dr's appt. is over i just want to sleep in all day.. i had to fend off being pushed lexapro and effexor, which i think i accomplished as politely as possible.. without strangling anyone. i'm just tired of having to face people and this world.. maybe it's also sick, but i'm so glad now that i've had my tetanus shot because if i need to cut i can.. it sits in the back of my mind as my only friend and reliever of psychic pain.. so much kinder than the agony of mistrusting and hating the world, something i doubt there's a cure for anyway. it's lonely here. i have no friends. i have pushed away everyone i could.. just because it hurts too much.. people cannot help but hurt me, even when they don't mean to.. no one understands why but me.. and i'm not telling.
but i need an emergency life transfusion..

friendlyghost

'here's the silhouette..
the face always turned away..
the bleeding color gone to black
dying like a day
couldn't figure out what made you so unhappy
shook your head to say no no no..
and stopped for a spell and stayed that way..
oh well.. ok.
i got pictures.. i just don't see it anymore
climbing hour upon hour through a total bore
with the one i keep where it never fades
in the safety of a pitch black mind
an airless cell that blocks the day
oh well.. ok.
if you get a feeling it's time you see me
do me a favor and let me know
'cause it's hard to tell.. it's hard to say
oh well.. ok..
oh well.. ok?
oh well... ok.'
mr smith