i guess my long record is over.. or maybe not.. maybe i get off on a technicality for not actually cutting.. probably not. never try to enlist the support of others unless you are prepared for swift disappointment and bad results. just trying to say out loud how i was feeling to my husband last night only ended up with my reality being erased and argued out of existence entirely.. maybe the pain i am in is only a crazy hallucination afterall.. whatever.. i ended up closing myself in my room and biting down hard on my lip trying to deal with the worst s.i. urges yet.. with only less than one week to go before my long overdue dr's appt. and tetanus booster.. i didn't cut, but i did cause a few scratches and bruises..
if only i could tear apart into 2 people like it is in my head.. a backhand to the mouth.. a bit of blood.. calm and collected after.. my cure for whatever it is that makes me such a freak that no one could want.. once i get my shot and get over the inevitable panic attack from that, and once the necessary dr's inspection is over from getting my heart and whatever else checked out after all this time, then i can cut the hell out of myself for all i care.. i never cared anyway. i think trying to stop cutting without any relief or help has only made me more creative.. and stored everything up for one heavy duty bloody mess.
friendlyghost
last call/elliott smith
last call
he was sick of it all
asleep at home
told you off and goodbye
well you know one day it'll come to haunt you
that you didn't tell him quite the truth
you're a crisis
you're an icicle
you're a tongueless talker
you don't care what you say
you're a jaywalker and you just
just walk away
and that's all you do
the clap of the fading out sound of your shoes
made him wonder who he thought that he knew..
last call
he was sick of it all
the endless stream of reminders
made him so sick of you sick of you sick of you
sick of your sound
sick of you coming around
trying to crawl under my skin
when i already shed my best defense
it comes out all around that you won
and i think i'm all done
you can switch me off safely
while i'm lying here waiting for sleep to overtake me..
yeah yeah.. you're still here
but just check to make sure
all you aspired to do was endure
you can't ask for more.. ask for none
knowing you'll never get that which you ask for..
so you cast your shadow everywhere like the man in the moon
and you start to drink and just want to continue..
it'll all be yesteryear soon
you start to drink and just want to continue
it'll all be yesteryear soon..
church bells and now i'm awake..
and i guess it must be some kind of holiday
i can't seen to join in the celebration
but i'll go to the service
and i'll go to pray
and i'll sing the praises of my maker's name
like i was as good as she made me
and i wanted her to tell me
that she would never wake me..
i wanted her to tell me
that she would never wake me..
i wanted her to tell me
that she would never wake me..
i wanted her to tell me
that she would never wake me..
i wanted her to tell me
that she would never wake me..
i wanted her to tell me
that she would never wake me..
i wanted her to tell me
that she would never wake me..
i wanted her to tell me
that she would never wake me..
i'm lying here waiting for sleep to overtake me...
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