reflecting...

i was reading over journals i wrote over the last few years...

now that i know my heart has not been well i can hardly believe i am still here alive (although as a ghost...lol) given how brutally i treated myself last year with excessive alcohol and starvation.. even while sick and having heart arrythmias pretty serious... geez.. even i can hardly believe myself... ug. at the time i was just so depressed over feeling so invisible and like nothing mattered that even my symptoms then meant nothing at all to me.. i used to keep this 'eating' journal that was really sick and mean and kept me 'thin' at that time.. in it my b.m.i. was at 17 and i was aiming for the 'famine state' range i had been in the years before...kinda sick.

now i'm having problems with irregular heartbeats whenever i eat for some reason...

my husband's temporary job is feeling more insecure than ever and health insurance just keeps feeling farther away... i am taking it easy and doing ok.. hangin' in there and taking my vitamins almost every day... i'm still so careful, but staying at healthier weight..

here's a line from mr smith..

'why are you staring into outer space crying? just because you came across it and lost it...' e.s.

Comments

[friendlyghost]

thanks, i'm glad i can reflect back in journals i wrote.. it gives me a perspective i never have while i'm right in it...
think i'll do alot better now... well i hope anyway..
fg