snowball in hell

think i'm sick again..

i'm not hungry anymore..
it's ok though, because the longer i don't eat the better i feel, it's a familiar kind of sick..
i'm just too lonely and have lost too much..
today we drove all the way around mt hood through forest and apple orchards.. we saw pretty cows and wild lavendar and mt st helens not far away.. people were burning leaves and applewood, it smelled really good.. the mountains are still covered in snow..
now i'm home again and it's blowing rain against the windows..

(click)

smith for today

stickman

i sit here shooting blanks
out of emptiness
ain’t nothing really want to kill
maybe time I guess..
i sit and spin the world on it's flipside
and i listen backwards for meaning
'cause i’m a stickman
i live with one dimension dead..
trying not to think too many moves ahead..

i draw from memory
the stillest kind of life
slide after slide
with metal pains as sharp as knives..
project what’s done so everyone can see
to me it's just a rehearsal
and i'm a stickman
in frames that go
one by one
if i sped it up
you'd see i'm on the run
from some monster off screen
killing suns..
lonely makes me blue
envy turns me green

hate might paint me red
if i load my magazine
but not just now when its easy to stay clean
when no one sees where you're bleeding..
and i'm a stickman
stickman..
stickman...

w.e.i.n.?

depressed & headache.. (what else is new..?)
i realize i'm almost always anxious, worried or outright scared...
kinda just feel like giving up.
(i have the samaritans saved now to my contacts...)
all i've managed to do is suspend the falling sky just over my head for all these years..
(after it already crushed me.. )
i'm grounded in an unhealable gaping wound of all the things i needed a long time ago..
those things were not so much to ask, not a terrible burden on anyone, but impossible all the same..
one day would have probably been enough to at least make the difference..
like david in Ai.. only i won't live long enough to ever be a real person...

a fond farewell for a friend/mr smith

the litebrite's now black and white
'cause you took apart a picture that wasn't right
pitch burning on a shining sheet
the only maker that you want to meet..
a dying man in a living room
whose shadow paces the floor
who’ll take you out any open door..

this is not my life
it's just a fond farewell to a friend
it's not what i'm like
it's just a fond farewell to a friend
who couldn't get things right
a fond farewell to a friend..

you said really I just want a dance
good and evil match perfect it's a great romance..
i can deal with some psychic pain
if it'll slow down my higher brain..
veins full of disappearing ink
vomiting in the kitchen sink
disconnecting from the missing link..

this is not my life
it's just a fond farewell to a friend
it's not what i'm like
it's just a fond farewell to a friend
who couldn't get things right
a fond farewell to a friend..

i see you're leaving me
and taking up with the enemy..
the cold comfort of the in between
a little less than a human being
a little less than a happy high
a little less than a suicide
the only things that you really tried..

this is not my life
it's just a fond farewell to a friend
it's not what i'm like
it's just a fond farewell to a friend
who couldn't get things right
a fond farewell to a friend
this is not my life
a fond farewell to a friend...

speaking of gameland...

i cannot wait for the american mcgee's alice movie to come out, mostly because i'm hoping for the rerelease of the original pc game to coincide with it... i've been lost in the middle of that dark wonderland forever due to the problem it has with xp..
in it alice is a bit older and more mature, a little less sane, she sits mute in her asylum bed rocking back and forth... (wonder why i relate?) ..until she is drawn back into a nightmare wonderland of perverted characters and ruthless toys.. (her first weapon of choice is a good butcher knife, and she is not afraid to use it...) the cheshire cat aids alice along her way through mushrooms and madness.. on to face the red queen...
anyway... i am a hardcore gamer from the old days... so i thought i'd also include a top 11 list of my all-time favorite games with links on the left hand side of my blog... yeah, my posture's bad and i shun the sunlight, but my reflexes are lightning fast and i have explored every nook and cranny, every depth of every labyrinthine dungeon out there in rpg-land... and i whole-heartedly enjoy weaponry and fisticuffs...

p.s. MORE GUNS!!!

wonderland...

i found something cool on ebay, it is the original cd/soundtrack for the american mcgee's alice game, chris vrenna of nine inch nails did all the music.. it calms me while i'm in my car, it's like an escape in my gameland.. a dark and twisted wonderland..

click me..

guess i'm (still) here...

not doing too good,
i feel like i can't deal with my life, it is ongoing fear, pain and being alone.
today i'm looking at therapist listings which just terrifies me.. and i feel too tired to even go through the process of meeting some new person and putting myself out there at all to be pushed drugs to, judged, just to be exposed and humiliated all over again.. but i don't know what else to do, if i really wanted out of this life i never should have gained weight and tried to be 'healthy'.. it sucks and i don't want to see anyone/anyone to see me..

from elliott smith:the enemy is you

you got your head turned 'round
walking upside down
through the sunken dream
through the crushing crowd
you don't know what it means
'cause you're a broken machine
you won't lisp it out..
you're dressing up your man
it's all second hand
it's all hindsight
you don't understand
it's just an empty scene
it's still an empty scheme
you wanna block it out
but i know what i'm gonna do
with this big doubt
i'm gonna make it go away..

when you go walking out
in the rose city
without a fucking clue
with an attitude
knowing what you need
what you will not do
the enemy is you..
you beat up on yourself
'cause there ain't no one else
who feels quite as good
to put straight through hell
you know yourself well
you know what you're about
just wanna block it out
well, i know what i'm gonna do
with this big doubt
i'm gonna hide my face away..
block it out
well, i know what i'm gonna do
with this big doubt
i'm gonna make it go away...