snowball in hell

emotional support plushies

so as i mentioned at the end of the comments of my last post, i had a recent crash into a scary depressive episode & had to reach out for some help..

as an eccentric agoraphobic catlady my emotional support system is very small..

& is mostly made up of mysterious emotional support plushies like these..

whether it's migraine, depression or ocd, american mcgee has created a whole collection..

for example the love kitty at the end of my radiohead ghostcloset antifashion update has a tiny trauma minibun friend..

& these mysterious plush toys get along well with my own strange kitties & homemade crying monsters..

i guess it's the vintage kid in me that is able to take comfort from toys tucked into my closet?

for most of my life dissociation was my sparkling darkness, protecting me from my terrors..

to be continued in the comments as usual..
bren

cat lady

so i am a cat lady..

& i can't think of anything in this world i'd rather be..

i've been closely bonded with these sweet souls all my life..

curled up in cardboard boxes in my childhood backyard..

kitty nurse & midwife by necessity..

our kitties started out wild but soon trusted us..

i'd say i married the best catdad ever <3

& raised a fine cat dude!

we were so blessed when we found tiny tabitha & her flower sister sabrina..

& tabitha had 5 daughters, making me a cat grandma :D

i have many kitty youtubes of them all up at my youtube channel here..

as well as full albums devoted to them here at my album page..

down in socal mr dad modified our patio into a catio long before this was even a thing..

& we brought them all up here to portland with us to have more space for our big family..

they had the happiest lives of any cats i've ever known & always slept curled up with us at night..

i never would've made it through this life without them that's for certain..

they've even been with us in our gameworlds all along..

& much of my art is devoted to kitties..

as well as posts over at my lost & found toys blog..

we've always provided food, tnr & winter shelters for our backyard ferals as well..

& now so many are over the rainbow bridge, although i'm convinced many have come back to us for more than one lifetime ;)

we have our sweet alice with us now..

providing joy & kitty therapy for our family..

click the links in this post for much more kittystuff.. (& i'll be posting more of my fascinating ghostlife in the comments as usual ;)

bren

ps - i apologize for all the broken image links, this is an ongoing issue with my bloghost typepad :(

summertime blues (aint no cure..)

summer's definitely here. normally once it gets this hot we vampires tuck into the dark & hibernate until halloween season..

but alot has been going on here & it's hard for me to even talk about it even here at my secret old ghost blog..

my last comments here were after mr dad & his friend gerald climbed to the top of beacon rock over on the washington side of the gorge, such a gorgeous day, something that's been on his bucket list since he was a kid, i didn't want to climb it so i told him i'd only let him go with a friend, fortunately gerald's an emt, but all was well.. (click here for the pix..) he wore the gopro too so we now have what feels like our own personal episode of oregon field guide of the trek, very cool..

but then a week later my bigfoot husband had a medical emergency that was the most terrifying experience i've ever had, could've died, & we've all been trying to deal with ptsd/trauma issues ever since.

he works downstairs in his office & came up for lunch as usual, used the bathroom, but then i heard him calling out to me faintly, in distress, & i found him passing out unable to breathe. so there are graphic details here i'm going to skip, but he literally crashed over headfirst unmoving & hit his face/head, i was sure he was dead. but i reacted by thumping him on the back thinking, heart? airway? it eventually brought him back slightly to consciousness & dan was on the phone calling 911.. so the paramedics arrived so fast i am so thankful, this was all very drawn out & traumatic & ended up with him alive but then  hospitalized for days following what was clearly a pulmonary embolism. 

i have to say this was a shocking wake-up call for us all, dan & i driving & masking & back out among humans, john now on blood thinners back home in recovery having to let us help with the heavy lifting this life calls for rather than just pushing through everything like the sasquatch he is.. his friends have been such a blessing & therapy in itself visiting & supportive.. i've talked with my good old therapist/life coach, licia, through it all & relayed her supportive messages to the guys as well as we go in & out of ptsd trauma states & then start trying to get back to any sense of 'normal'.. so appreciative of these good people around us..

so i've also had to deal with stress induced migraine with aura after many years, & i'm still obviously struggling to feel like anything will be ok, my insecurity/trauma issues were right there even before this occurred, even things that comfort me can be so tinged with meloncholy as well due to my lost kitty girls & family members.. even posting here reminds me of my old pal emma. miss you em..

but i've posted cool stuff at the lost & found this weekend & made my retro 3 layer orange jello today for the guys.. we're still here.. alice is a comfort to us all staying right close by.. dan & i are escaping as we can into the elden ring dlc shadow of the erdtree.. the world feels insane, but all we can do is vote & fight for what we know is right, be good stewards of each other, all life & the earth.. pray & have faith. that's what i'll be doing..

our house made it safely through the 4th of july fireworks, no new fires in the gorge..
i'll post more later in the comments as usual..

bren/ghost

ps - vote joe!!!

escape artist

i've long thought of myself as an escape artist. in that i find all manner of creative ways to escape the shadow side of my life experience by traveling through time or running away to fantasy lands & alternate worlds, so i've had a few rough days recently with my mood & migraine issues, not to mention the threat of a possible ww3/apocalyptic future looming.. i thought what better way to cope now that i'm able to get direct video captures from my game consoles, than to go back to my very favorite games of all time & tape time capsules of sorts to keep & remember these treasures always.. so each day i've added an hour or 2 or 3 of youtubes to my channel gaming playlist for any other gamers out there watching, or even if you aren't into gaming, these worlds are very cool to check out..

i'm devoting a post to each game on weekends over at my lost & found toy blog, starting with friday's here: american mcgee's alice madness returns
my favorite game of all time? i played this one with my own sweet cheshire cat, snug, by my side.. followed by the great from software game: bloodborne
(my character shown above, my background is again that of a troubled childhood ;) & then a look back at old elder scrolls: oblivion & morrowind
i lived here as a vampire way back before such a thing was even popular.. next weekend will be more like this & i'll update with links here..

flashback friday favorite: fable

dark souls trilogy

primal

fallout 4

fallout 4 update

fallout 4 nuka world

f4 jolly chimp

f4 nuka cafe

f4 apartments

f4 shroud manor vault

fallout 4 bren's playroom

f4 arcade games

f4 vr vault decor

fallout 4 friday

fallout 4 friday antifashion

fallout meets gumbyland (my robots)

elden ring

alice madness returns

our backyard robin family are doing fine as well as our backyard wild boy kitties, roses are growing now on my back deck & pinecones & cherry blossom petals comingle with maple leaves & needles there as alice & i bird & squirrelwatch in the fresh air.. we're trying to think of somewhere to take a drive on tuesday when it's not terribly peoply about? & the sasquatch is planning to climb to the top of beacon rock with one of his old friends (who happens to be an emt thankfully!) it's on his bucket list & he'll take the gopro with him for the adventure.. 

as i've mentioned before my middle name is joy, & i do try to look for the joys in life in every way i can.. but unfortunately at times i think my parents should've chosen ed as my midde name instead, as in existential dread? it's a constant struggle between the light & darkness in this infj ghost life of mine..

well, here are some more lyrics from the smile & i'll follow up with comments as usual later on..

wall of eyes

down a peg or two you'll go
behind a wall of eyes
of your own device
is that still you
with the hollow eyes?
change to black & white
strap yourself in..
(the trains don't go there..)

let us raise our glasses
to what we don't deserve
what we're not worthy of
so rich & wide
to the grains of sand
slipping through our hands..
(the trains don't go there..)

is that still you
with the hollow eyes?
change to black & white
so strap yourself in..

bren/ghost

2024 (or subtitle ~ migraines & terrors & beeps oh my! (repeat..)

i start each day with trepidation.
the nearby water project (projected to continue through till possibly spring of 2025) wakes me up early each morning sounding like a competition of banging machinery & alarms beeping over each other, sometimes going on for 12 hours straight.. stress literally makes me sick.
i can't tell you how nice it is on a weekend morning to wake up hearing our backyard birds like it use to be..
i escape all i can into eso but honestly i'm running out of content so i'll have to figure something different for next month onward.. but come on, be honest, with the world the way it is, wouldn't you rather be here in beautiful rainy auridon like me?

ok here's a shocker, i love the smile's new album called 'wall of eyes'..

i am asking for help
i am outside your door
i am walking away barefoot
i am asking down the street
i am climbing a tree
i am now a white sheet of paper
i am changing, the seconds pass
i am making mistakes
i am losing my shit
i am being bent out of shape
i may have been crying
i am memories that crowd a drowning field
i am trying to figure this out
i am waving a hand in front of your face
i am feeling very alone
i keep asking, asking you to repeat yourself
i think you are maybe taking the piss
i am feeling very alone and unsupported in this moment
i am deciding to shut down everything
i am a stranger tapping on the window
i understand & go on my way
i think maybe you are losing interest
i am now cycling through their almost empty city, starting again from the top
they are taking away my priveleges
i am hoping we can work this out
i am making positive noises
i am making a long series of just empty promises
i am just going along with this
i am crystalline, corrupt, sulphuric, superficial
i am a perfect self portrait
i am waiting for you to acknowledge me
i am someone else to compare me to
i am paralyzed by the weight of my own whatever
i sympathize with your decision
i am your replacement
i am seeking an opportunity
i think this doesn't fit me
i am slipping slowly down a greasy pole
i am being told to stay indoors
i am making this official
i am trying not to look
i am not asking questions
i am hiding in the closet
i am asking if can you bring round some groceries
i am leaping into the dark
the sky is full of scarecrows above & around me
i am seeing alot of patterns
i am little baby walking
i guess it doesn't matter now
i am weighing anchor & heading into port
i am getting drunk in a bar to forget
i may or may not be
i am high on my riddles, concussed
i am nothing else
i am checking in the mirror
i am changing definition
i am trying to keep my distance
this is my stop
why won't you untie me?
oh i see what's going on here
i am gently pushing an open door..

ps fuck typepad. half my album images are now broken & my 'help' ticket sits open endlessly.. now i see massive image dropout on my daily toy blog too. is this endstage typepad? so far the ghostblog seems unaffected, but i wish someone decent would buy them up & fix these matters.. (twitter too!) it just feels like all has been for naught..

here comes valentine's day..
i would say take good care of yourself this year..
i'm a happiness junkie, so i'll keep fighting for it over the misery..
hell, weirdly enough it's my middle name.
(joy)

hopefully continuing in the comments as always?..

bren (ghost)

snowglobe xmas

so as i mentioned in the comments we didn't set up a tree or decorations this year since alice would only see this as her greatest challenge to chomp & destroy xmas..

so as i live mostly as a reclusive vampire in elder scrolls online these days i decided i'd plan for the festivities there instead..

i've retreated into snowcaves & snowglobes before in my life, but this beats all.. it may still be lonely, but my kitties are with me..

i only wish i could play my retro xmas music mix here too..

bren/ghost

 

children of the night..

a message from the moon..

i wanted to wish all of my fellow introverts & cat people a dark & spooky halloween & leave this pic raven took of the recent hunter's moon through blowing tree branches, as we're experiencing our usual autumn east winds here from the gorge, as well as our first freezing nights.. i feel like i've been off on the moon somewhere for the last couple of weeks, lost & internetless, as i experienced sudden traumatic laptop death way back on raven's birthday after posting at my lost & found blog, & i not only couldn't post, but lost lots of files & photos & am still trying to recover & catch up now with my new slicker quicker & lighter dell..

first it was the power outs, & then my internet withdrawls, as well as our water being turned off a couple of times while they finish the local water project nearby, our old tattered deck roof has also been flapping loudly in the wind keeping me awake at night, until today when mr dad had halloween off & could cut it free.. i've felt so removed & alone through all of this.. ocd triggered & traumatized, even with beautiful fall days.. depression just doesn't care. we did take a couple of cool drives during the cooler wetter weekdays that he took as vacation days so we could avoid humanity while out rockhounding along local riverbeds.. i updated our lost album with some pix here: the lost album which also includes some blurry photos of our latest feral kitty, a young tabby who showed up in the cold & wet, we put out food for him & made sure our winter shelters are good for the coming cold, leaving treats inside to tempt him into comfort & safety, & he's smart, showed up for food the next day, staying carefully at a distance but basically asking for more.. poor little orphan boy.. we're calling him oliver <3

i missed a full week of october posts i had planned for the lost & found, but have at least posted over the weekend & today, cool fun stuff that's worth checking out: lost & found blog halloween

i have been spending alot of time in eso for the annual witches festival, winning halloween plunder skulls & capturing voluminous youtubes of it all, i'll be pouring these videos up onto my youtube channel in the coming days as i get things caught up.. i also put up a cozy moment with alice one chilly evening that has been getting such sweet comments <3

i nearly contacted my trusty life coach through it all, but honestly every time i think of other things going on in the world i feel embarassed that i'm so challenged coping with ocd & anxiety.. & alice is helping me here with healing frequency purrs & kitty therapy :) when my laptop died we first tried picking up an hp one readily available nearby, but it made a high frequency whistling sound that the guys could barely hear, but that drove me (more) insane.. i didn't know this was even a thing, but online we found out it's a known issue with that model.. returned it & had to wait more than a week for the new dell, which i must say i do enjoy.. & i'm starting to pick out good stickers to put all over it, so that's commitment! 

so have fun all, & be sure to keep your black cats safe inside tonight.. there will be more to follow in the comments as always..

bren/ghost