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mad as a hatter...


One-Line Bio

a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget? ~ randall jarrell


i am a 57 year old female (the 50 is silent), native of southern california who now lives in oregon..
i love my cats, collecting vintage collectible toys.. especially halloween & gumby!
i have a huge collection you can view on my website at bren's gumbyland & gallery...
i also paint & write & create dollscapes & mini houses, so there is a secret gallery of my artwork there & links to my writing as well as other cool places..
gumbyland & the lost & found toy blog are my happy places, lots of fun for vintage kids.. & the ghost blog is my dark side, where i talk about all things dark & psychological..
i also love elliott smith and radiohead, midlake, vampires, edgar allen poe, alice in wonderland, american mcgee's alice, autumn and lenore comics, rpg games, classic movies, horror, johnny depp & tim burton..
i am functioning agoraphobic and deal with depression and anorexia as well as adult insecure attachment issues..i also dealt for many years with self injury issues, & i'm interested in recovery without use of meds, through creativity, talk, support, etc.. so..

***WARNING: there is SI content on this blog***

oh.. and i collect mad hatter hats!!!

p.s. .. 'toxic' is the little me..
(my toxic inner child..)
(the little sunday school dropout that lives in ghost's head..)

brenda (irish): means 'little raven' (or female raven).. firebrand, dark beauty..
"and the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity.." james 3:6

crows & ravens, such as those found in cemeteries, are traditionally thought to be the spirits of lost loved ones.. in celtic mythology ravens are messengers between the worlds of life and death..

'we stare into each others' eyes like jackdaws, like ravens..' ~ thom yorke

'the devil's script sells you the heart of a blackbird..' elliott smith

'the black wings just reach out to me over a distance.. and i can feel the wind from the wings.. i see the clouds.. and i feel the ocean with my feet..
then i'm numb again..' billy corgan

'watch me fall like dominoes in pretty patterns..
fingers in the blackbird pie.. i'm tingling.. tingling.. tingling..' thom yorke

'it's been a long time.. i'm still shaking my wings..
i'm a blackbird.. i got changes to ring..
closing my dream inside this paperbag..
i thought i saw angels but i could've been wrong..
the smile in your eyes was never so sweet before..
i came down from the sky to cry you a song..' - ian anderson

'the storm it came up strong and it shook the trees..
and blew away our fear..
how could you leave me here?
my mind is racing as it always will.. my hand's tired.. my heart aches..
i'm half a world away..
here in my head..
sworn to go it alone.. and hold it alone..
blackbirds.. backwards.. forwards and fall..' - rem

'blackbird singing in the dead of night
take these broken wings and learn to fly
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to arise
blackbird singing in the dead of night
take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free
blackbird fly..
into the light of a dark black night were only waiting for this moment to arise..' - paul mccartney

'some come dark and strange like dying
crows and ravens whistling
lines of weeping, strings of crying
so much said in listening..' - joni mitchell

'healing comes so painfully
and it chills to the bone..
will anyone get close to me?
i'm damaged, as i'm sure you know..'


atoms for peace, infj, vintage holiday, halloween, fisher price, golden books, golden magazine, jack & jill magazine, vintage halloween, classic toys, vintage children's books, midlake, decemberists, sea wolf, sparklehorse, eels, radiohead, art, vampires, gothic, horror, edgar allen poe, victorian, lewis carroll, depression, nick drake, goth, movies, photography, cats, psychology, psychotherapy, comics, poetry, elliott smith, autumn, tim burton, classic movies, weight loss, alice in wonderland, thom yorke, opeth, american mcgee's alice, expressionism, eating disorders, ed's, anorexia, agoraphobia, si, self injury, gumby, collectible toys, vintage wonder books, cemeteries, taphophilia, elder scrolls, grimm, american horror story, walking dead, tin toys, rpg, self harm, anxiety, social phobia, nightmare before xmas, weight control, weight, art clokey, davey and goliath, squirrel nut zippers, lenore, carousels, edwardian, steampunk, indie music, vintage toys, sms, self-mutilation, disorganized attachment, fearful avoidant attachment, attachment disorder, insecure attachment, psychoanalysis, selbstverletzung automutilatie, dark rides